Melodies, Murders, and Mysteries
by XX00Meg00XX
Summary: "Diving head first into her mother's murder has left little room for romance. She's turned down any offer of being set up, in favor of protecting her walled off heart. Giving her favorite author her number was a decision that fate seemed to make for her, forcing her to go along with the plan whether she wanted to or not." An AU Caskett meeting. #CastleFanficMonday
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Please read! **_This started as a one-shot prompt fill, but has taken on a mind of its own and turned into a multi-chapter story. I already have a multi planned for February as a sequel to 'A Handful of Words' so please be patient as I will be updating that one faster than this one. _

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

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_An AU Caskett meeting that takes place right after Castle kills off Derrick Storm. The original prompt that started it all will follow at the end of this chapter. I deviated just a bit from the prompt in order to turn it into this._

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**Melodies, Murders, and Mysteries**

Any normal, grown man would most likely be embarrassed that the majority of the songs on his iPod consist of teenage boy bands and Britney Spears, but Richard Castle isn't normal. He could argue that his daughter uses it most of the time, claim that the music reflects her personality more than his, but some of the songs are actually quite catchy and he finds himself singing the lyrics that are stuck in his head quite often.

His daughter has been teasing him about how out of shape he is, claiming that he'll never beat her at laser tag or fencing if he doesn't step up his game. It's her way of pushing him out of the slump he's currently in, small hints and teasing that do little to mask the worry behind the young girl's eyes.

It's not that he's stopped living his life, but ever since he killed off Derrick Storm, his main character in his latest book series, he's been in a lingering slump. He just has no inspiration to start anything new.

His decision to walk through the city today was sporadic, a last ditch effort to salvage the good mood that he surprisingly woke up in. Headphones in place, he bounces down the streets of New York, belting out an occasional line of music every time one of those catchy songs plays.

Yeah, there are all kinds of people around and many of them turn and stare at him, but he ignores them all, could care less what they are thinking.

* * *

He loses himself in the music, forgetting the world around him, that is until he wanders passed Kate Beckett's crime scene and his loud belting of "Hit me Baby, one more time" catches the attention of more than one of the detectives crowded around the murder victim.

He's oblivious to the whirlwind of red and leather boots that's striding towards him, sucking in a breath in preparation of belting out the second verse of the song when he feels a tap on his shoulder and startled, he turns to find a stern looking, stunning woman with her arms crossed and eyebrow raised.

He has to do a double take.

Short, choppy, red hair falls messily around the hard lines of her beautiful face. She's dressed in a long, fitted, red coat and tall leather black boots that scream 'badass'.

He's still gawking when he notices her lips moving.

"Excuse me," she calls again, a little more loudly this time so that he can hear her over the blast of music in his ear.

She nods towards the headphones and he quickly silences Britney's voice, pulling them free from his ear before stuffing them into his pocket.

"I'm sorry?" he says and it's half an apology, half a question as to why she stopped him.

But another look at her has him far from complaining.

"This," she gestures towards the group of detectives and professional looking people, "it's a crime scene, and while your rendition of 'Hit me Baby, One More Time' is better than some I've heard, it's extremely loud and distracting to those of us who have a job to do."

He leans his head to the side so that he can get a better view of the crime scene.

"Hey," she snaps, drawing his attention back to her. "Have a little respect."

She's all business, arms folded over her chest and a look that demands authority. But he's still caught on the almost compliment she gave him in the midst of her reprimand.

"I uh—I didn't realize, I'm sorry." He extends his hand towards her, offering a truce.

"I'm Richard –"

She doesn't take his offered hand, but instead holds her own hand up to cut him off.

"I know who you are."

He considers her for a moment, before clearing his throat and trying again.

"Well, since you know my name, could I at least have the pleasure of knowing yours?" he asks with a smirk and a wiggle of his still extended hand.

The Detective studies him; glancing from his face to his hand and biting her lip in what he thinks must be an adorable habit.

He won't push his luck, but she screams mystery to him and he's suddenly feeling that spark of inspiration that he hasn't for a while.

Finally, after a long period of silence, she holds out a gloved hand, allowing him to shake it. "Beckett. Kate Beckett, Homicide Detective."

She pulls her hand back quickly, and although there was no skin to skin contact, he feels the spark between them.

"It's nice to meet you, Kate—er uh, Beckett," he corrects when she shoots him a glare at the use of her first name.

She nods in response and then glances back towards the crime scene.

"I need to get back, just try to keep it down until you're out of hearing range for us, okay?"

He tries to think of something to say that will keep her there a bit longer. She's intriguing and he feels like the challenge of her would be a good way to bring him out of his slump.

"Do you, um—do you ever go out for drinks?" he asks, suddenly feeling like an awkward teenage boy trying to ask a girl out for the first time.

She frowns but shakes her head. "Is that your way of asking me out, because I expected better from the infamous playboy you're portrayed to be."

He shrugs his shoulders, feeling a wave of nervousness that he hasn't felt for a while.

Yeah, he dates—has dated, a lot, but this somehow feels different to him.

"I mean, if you don't—you probably have…" Wow, he never stutters this much.

"Look," she says, lowering her voice and stepping closer to him. "I don't usually do this, but my job can be pretty heavy and having a drink with someone who seems like they could be good company sounds like something I shouldn't turn down."

He believes her when she says this is something she doesn't usually do. He has no doubt that getting to know her isn't going to be easy, but if she's willing to give him a chance…

She seems to need some fun in her life, and he can be fun.

To his surprise, she pulls out a slip of paper and a pen and jots down her number before slipping it into the pocket on the front of his coat.

"There's a place around the corner that has karaoke competitions all the time, I'm sure you'd win," she adds with a smirk that has him choking on a laugh.

"I really need to get back…" she says again as she starts to turn back towards the crime scene.

"You'll be hearing from me, Detective."

The only response he gets from her is a hum as she strides away.

* * *

She considered telling him that they had met before, briefly, considered going against her norm of shutting people out. He probably wouldn't remember anyway, as she was part of the sea of faces he sees at every book signing. She won't dwell on the feeling that there was something different about him. She doesn't believe in fate or the idea that life sends you the people that you need. But she won't talk herself out of going out with him when he calls. She won't.

* * *

The skip in his step on the way home is entirely different. He doesn't sing this time, instead contemplating the curve ball that fate just threw his way. He's inspired, and he has no idea what he's about to dive in to.

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**_TBC, Soon!_**

_**Prompt**: Casket has never met and one of them is singing out loud but they have headphones in and the other just kinda stares till they ask what they're staring for and they're like you know your singing out loud with your headphones in? And then whichever one is like oh and the other tells them they have a beautiful voice._

_As always, I would love to hear your thoughts. xo_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: After brainstorming with my lovely friend, Bri, this took on a bit of a darker turn then I originally planned, but given that it's pre-season 1 Caskett, I think it will be a nice contrast to the "A Handful of Words" sequel I'll be posting in the next few days. If you're game for the ride, I promise a good one! And yes, there will be a happy ending. :) Thank you as always for the amazing response and support, and especially for your patience. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters involved in this story.**

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**Melodies, Murders, and Mysteries**

**Chapter 2**

* * *

After three days of playing phone tag, Castle finally manages to talk her into meeting him for drinks. She claimed her work schedule had been crazy and while he doesn't doubt that being a detective keeps her quite busy, he thinks maybe there's a little more to it than that. But when he ends their call and heads for the shower, he's giddy, excited in ways that he hasn't been for years. He has been out with many girls in the last year, but none of them made him feel the way he does when he pictures Kate in his mind.

He makes it to The Old Haunt before her and manages to find a booth in the back corner of the bar. He's beginning to worry that she might not show after sitting there for fifteen minutes glancing at his watch when he looks up to see her striding towards him. One glance at her and his jaw nearly hits the table. She looks nothing like the professional Homicide Detective he first met a few days ago and everything like a girl he'd pick up at a club downtown.

* * *

Castle stands when she gets to the booth, greets her with a quick peck to the cheek that sends chills through both of them, although Kate seems quicker to recover as she sinks down into the booth on what he's deemed as her side.

"Detective Beckett," he grins as he slides in across from her.

"I'm not on duty tonight, Castle, so Kate will be just fine."

"I can see that," he replies, nodding toward the short black dress that barely covers the tops of her thighs.

"What, I'm supposed to come out for drinks dressed as a cop?" she quips, daring him to challenge her.

He opts not to.

"Okay then, Kate," he replies, putting a little more emphasis then necessary on the 'T'. "I'm glad you agreed to come."

She nods, but any other answer is cut short when their waitress appears at the booth to take their order. Castle takes the liberty of ordering for both of them, returning Kate's raised brow with one of his own when she looks as though she might question his choice of drinks for them.

She doesn't.

"Surprised you didn't pick a place with karaoke," she jabs after the waitress has delivered their drinks and left them to continue their evening.

He chuckles as he reaches for his glass, "Maybe next time."

* * *

Conversation is a little awkward at first, each smiling shyly at the other in-between sips of the smooth, amber liquid. Scotch is never her first choice of drink, but she won't deny that she likes the way it loosens her up.

Half way through their second order, she does exactly that, loosens up, and then the words between them start to flow a little easier.

"So, what made you decide to become a cop?" he asks, scooting closer to her in the booth, noticing the slight hitch in her breath as he closes the large gap between them.

She averts her eyes, stares intently at the table and swirls her drink before she answers. She's uncomfortable with the question and he immediately picks up on it. "Um, someone close to me was murdered."

That's all she offers him, all she wants to breech of that terrible subject on a first date, or whatever the hell this is. What she really wants is to forget and she's sure that if he put his mind to it, he could make her forget just about everything, except him.

Her short answer leaves them both quiet for several long minutes, neither sure where to take the conversation from there. Castle opts to reach for her glass and slide out of the booth to get them a refill. When he comes back and sets her glass in front of her, but he doesn't return to where he'd been sitting moments before, choosing instead to keep a respectable distance.

A few swallows in to her third drink of the night and she can't help blurting out her question. "Why did you kill off Derrick Storm?"

His eyes widen in surprise, proving that he wasn't expecting that type of question, but just as quickly they cloud over and his shoulders seem to slump a little. "The inspiration was lacking," he shrugs, clearly not wanting to offer more of an explanation than that.

* * *

They are quite the pair. Two closed off, stubborn people who refuse to share the painful parts of their pasts. Two complete strangers who need a distraction and neither of them realize that they're looking for that same distraction in each other.

The last swallow from her glass brings confidence, along with a clouded conscious that she happily pushes to the back of her mind. The less she thinks—the less she feels, the better off she'll be.

She scoots to his side of the booth, ignores the slight tense of his body when she drapes her leg over his thigh. His hand falls automatically to her thigh, gripping the smooth, creamy skin that's exposed where her dress has slipped higher. And the slight hitch in her breath seems to draw him out of whatever war he's waging with himself, because seconds later his lips find her neck and she's putty in his hands.

This is what she wants. This is what she needs, a place to forget, to let go of who she is, even if it's only for a brief period of time. And it's quickly becoming all too clear that he's on the same page as her, when his hand drifts higher on her thigh, brushing against the lace that's barely covering her.

She manages to get his attention, nudge him from the booth and towards the exit of the bar, pausing with a huff when he halts their movements, reaching into his pocket to drop a wad of cash onto the table. Neither is sober enough to drive so they wait impatiently on the sidewalk. His hands are everywhere at once, driving her mad with want and the need to get somewhere more private intensifies with each brush of their skin.

But while alcohol makes her loose and daring, it seems to open the flood gates for more questions from him and answering question is the last thing she wants to do.

His lips are against her neck, trailing up to the shell of her ear when he breathes his question and despite the hot air that washes against her neck, she rolls her eyes in annoyance.

"Did you ever catch the killer?"

He may be a writer and she may be addicted to reading his books, but alcohol makes him ask stupid questions with ridiculous wording and she refuses to answer his question even if there's a chance he won't remember asking it in the morning.

A little faster than she should, she whips her body around to face him, causes them both to stumble slightly before regaining their balance. His hands grip her waist for purchase and she leans closer to him, makes sure that he's focused on her for what she's about to say.

"I don't want to answer any more questions, Castle. I'm sick and tired of answering questions. What I want is a release, a quick fuck against the door in my apartment that will make me forget about everything else. Based on your reputation I figure you'd be pretty good at fulfilling my request, but if you aren't up to it, then you can consider this evening over."

She knows how she sounds, and if she was sober nothing like that would ever come out of her mouth, but she's not sober and what she wants right now overrides anything she might regret in the morning.

* * *

Her words should hurt him, make him flinch at the reputation she clearly knows he has, but thinking would be much easier if his mind wasn't fuzzy. Even if it wasn't, the woman in front of him isn't going to give him much time to think about anything right now. She wants something that he's been asked of many times before and yet the easiness of an answer doesn't come to him. But he can't deny those large, hazel eyes, can't ignore the desperation he sees in them. She wants a release and he can give it to her. Maybe in the process of making her forget whatever it is she needs to, he can make himself forget as well.

His only response to her demand is to jerk the door of the cab open when it stops in front of them and follow her inside. She seems content with that, letting him crowd against her while she rattles off her address to the driver.

Decision made, he lets the burn of her skin fuel his want for her and they barely make it into her elevator without collapsing into a heap on the floor when she lifts one leg to hook around his hip. The dirty roll of her hips doing little for the shred of control he's barely maintaining.

He has no idea how she gets her key in her door, doesn't remember how he ends up on the other side of it, back pressed roughly against the hard wood as she rips at his clothes. He thought she was a mystery when he first met her, he never realized how vast the mystery really was. But all thoughts of what they could be are lost when she reaches in his pants and all he can think about is the fastest way to get her out of her clothes.

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**TBC, Soon.**

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you again for the wonderful response to this story. Thank you for trusting me to take you on an angsty journey that eventually ends in happiness. Each follow, favorite, review and PM means more to me than you'll ever know! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

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**Please note, the majority of this chapter is rated M!**

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**Melodies, Murders, and Mysteries**

**Chapter 3**

* * *

Harsh breathing fills the otherwise quiet, open floor plan of her apartment. The battle of ripping clothes off and the fight for dominance leaves Kate's naked back pressed against the cold door with Castle pressed deliciously against her. The slide of his skin against hers sends a spark straight to her core, and shiver through her body that she hasn't felt, ever.

Diving head first into her mother's murder has left little room for romance, not that she has managed to find anyone worth her time anyway. She has turned down any offer of being set up, brushed off any man who attempted to flirt with her, in favor of protecting her walled off heart. Giving her favorite author her number was a decision that fate seemed to make for her, forcing her to go along with the plan whether she wanted to or not.

Now, that same man is in her apartment, naked and pressed against her in every way she wants him but one, and she can't stop the want that laces through her veins, can't ignore the addiction she knows is already forming. In the dark, hollow emptiness of her life, a beacon of light begins to shine.

The press of his lips to the soft underside of her breast draws her from her thoughts. His hand trails a blazing path up the outside of her thigh, stopping to wrap around the sharp jut of her hip. His other hand drifts to her back, tracing each vertebra on its journey down to the soft swell of her ass. Her lower body jerks into his when he molds her flesh in his hand and at the same time that his mouth closes greedily over her breast he lets his hands fall the back of her thighs and she knows immediately what he wants.

He uses his hands to lift her, groaning when the wrap of her legs causes him to brush against her in the best way. She knows the instant he feels the wetness that's pooled there, the proof of how bad she wants this regardless of how much alcohol is currently in her system.

There's no need for foreplay, no time to pause and learn specific things about each other's body. There's only the desperate need for release, the slow burn of pleasure that will inevitably break them apart from the inside out, and serve as a momentary lapse of the painful memories they both carry. A moment to forget.

She whines into the press of his mouth when he hovers at her entrance, the engorged tip of him pressing just inside but failing to slide deep enough for her craving. He's either too drunk to tease her any longer or too close to the edge himself because he suddenly buries himself deep inside her, forcing the air from her lungs with the thrust of his hips.

He pauses when the hard clench of her inner muscles pushes him dangerously close to the edge, unwilling for this moment to end even if he's unsure of how much longer he can keep them upright. He growls when she does it again, nips at her bottom lip in retaliation, but he still doesn't resume his thrusts and Kate whines her disapproval.

"Castle, move damn it," she husks into his mouth, arousal dripping from her tone despite her annoyance.

"If you don't stop doing that this is going to be over far too quickly," he slurs against the side of her neck when kissing her becomes too much.

"I don't care. Just fuck me, hard, now!"

He doesn't bother to lean back and look in her eyes; it's enough to imagine everything they reflect. The pain she tries to keep buried, the arousal that's burning through her, the desperate need to keep anyone from getting close to her. He's ninety percent sure that this is all she'll ever want from him, a quick release against a hard surface that leaves little room for emotions. And if he hadn't had his fair share of pain, he'd refuse to do this with her, refuse to indulge in the plan she clearly has for them, but he's a broken man and she's a broken woman and neither has the strength to heal the other.

He obliges her request and with three more hard thrusts and the circle of his thumb against her clit, she cries out her release against his chest, the repetitive clench of her muscles drawing him over the edge with her. His legs tremble in protest, threatening to send them both crashing to the ground, so he manages a mumbled question of where her bedroom is and she points in the general direction.

* * *

It's a stumbled dance, mainly because Kate refuses to unwrap her legs from his waist and he refuses to let go of her, but he finally manages to crash through her bedroom door and deposit her clumsily onto the bed. She pulls him with her, but not for a cuddle session, the needy whine and press of her lips to his own sending her message out loud and clear. She needs more, and he's not about to deny that he needs the same. He has only had her once and he already knows that no one else will ever compare.

Her impatience surprises him yet again when she flips their positions, rolling him under her in a move entirely too fast for her level of intoxication. But she's focused when she rises above him, confident when her hand wraps around his already hardening length, effectively bringing him back to full mass with a few strokes. She wastes no time, places him at her entrance and sinks down, drawing him deep into the velvet depths of her before he can take even one ragged breath.

It's a fury of writhing limbs after that, each fighting to keep up with the other as they race towards another mind blowing release. Castle can't help but wonder how many lonely nights Kate has spent in this bed, coaxing orgasms from her body with the rhythm of her slender fingers while wishing she wasn't alone. Or perhaps she didn't wish that at all, maybe she's been entirely content being alone. If that's the case, he wants to change it, but he's not sure she'll let him.

Her hands splay over his chest, breasts bouncing with each rock of her hips and the moonlight spilling into the room paints shadows across her face when she throws her head back. He loses sight of her face as her body bows, arching backward as she skirts the edges of her release. He knows what she needs to fall, but he chooses to watch her for a moment longer, memorizing the way she moves above him.

And when he's ready to fall with her, ready to clear her mind of all that's bad for the second time tonight, he finds her swollen bundle of nerves, presses two fingers against it and circles.

She chants a mantra of expletives, whispers of 'oh fuck' and 'yes' are the only words he can make out, and then she freezes above him, hands braced and body tensing as she falls off the precipice . This time, instead of following her over he waits, stills within her until she lifts her head, hazy eyes finding his and a nod that gives him permission to continue.

He rolls them, pressing her into the mattress with the warm weight of his body. He gets no protest from her, only the fierce wrap of her legs and the wiggle of her hips as she urges him to move. He starts slower this time, the angle causing him to slide against her clit with each thrust and he knows he can make her come again, knows that's exactly what she wants.

He keeps his rhythm slow, builds her back up until she's panting, hands gripping his biceps tighter, and then he pounds into her, hits her in just the right spot to draw from her a blinding third orgasm and in turn his own release. He buries himself deep inside her, spills into her with a grunt and when he's thoroughly spent and unable to hold himself above her any longer, he collapses onto the bed beside her.

But instead of drawing her into his arms like he wants, instead of draping himself around her back and holding her close, he watches as she rolls away from him, watches as she closes herself off and adds another brick to that already impenetrable wall around her heart.

And although she doesn't kick him out, he watches her breathing even out, knows that he won't be nearly as welcome in her bed when the morning draws her to consciousness. So he waits a bit longer, and then he slips out of her bed, dresses and leaves her apartment, and perhaps, her life.

* * *

As he stands on the dark, deserted sidewalk waiting for a cab because he can't bear to walk home with the weight of his thoughts, he can't help but wonder what her life would be like if something tragic hadn't happened to her. He yearns to know her story, to know the events that took place to form the deeply hurt person that Kate Beckett is. He's not sure what her feelings toward him will be when she wakes up, but he knows that even after one night with her, he's not ready to walk away.

Whatever way she'll have him in her life, whatever she'll let him be to her, he'll be that for her, because everyone deserves someone who'll be in their corner, even when the rest of the world has walked away. That woman deserves someone who will love her, in spite of her flaws and weaknesses, and he's not entirely sure, but he thinks he could be that person.

He welcomes the soft feel of his sheets when he finally falls into the comfort of his bed. He managed to sneak in without waking his daughter or mother and that's something he's thankful for. He manages to fall asleep almost immediately, but his dreams are filled with her, memories, a future, happiness, the kinds of things that only exist in his dreams. He once had the chance for all of that, had the chance for a future filled with only the best things, and then life took it away from him and he gave up on the idea of happily ever after.

* * *

She wakes in the early hours of the morning, naked and sore in places that she knows haven't been worked for a long time. She stretches her body, rolls to find her bed companion gone and the sheets cold. She wouldn't have asked him to stay, and she's not sure how the morning would have gone had they woken up in bed together, but she can't ignore the slight pang she feels when she finds him gone.

She got what she wanted, a release, well, multiple releases actually, but she still feels empty, still feels the darkness that one night in bed with Richard Castle can't replace. She thinks she would gladly spend more nights with him there, would willingly give her body to him each time he wanted it for the chance to forget anything but him over and over again. She wonders if he'll call, wonders what conversation they would manage to have after what they did. What do you say to someone who calls you after you fucked on the first date? She has never been that girl before, never wanted to sleep with someone as soon as she met them, but she doesn't regret her choices and she doesn't regret meeting him.

The flutter of her heart when she thinks of him quickly becomes another thing that she ignores, another added feeling to her list of those she doesn't want. She doesn't want to fall in love, because love is just a welcome mat for more pain. She can't handle any more pain or loss. She won't fall in love. She won't let anyone get close to her. She won't.

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_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

* * *

He manages to ignore the sunlight that announces the late morning hour thanks to the blackout curtains on his window, manages to conveniently miss all of Black Pawns calls thanks to his dead phone that he forgot to put on charge. But after his daughter knocks on his door for the third time, demanding that he get out of bed and eat Sunday pancakes with her, he finds himself unable to ignore the day any longer.

He doesn't feel the physical consequences from the previous night's activities until he drags himself out of the bed and finds a t-shirt to pull on. The tenderness in his arms when he stretches them above his head reminds him just how much he worked them last night and he has to take a moment to clear the memories from his mind.

He succeeds in fooling his daughter when he comes into the kitchen with a smile plastered on his face, but the instant pounding headache has him cringing the moment she turns away to flip the half cooked pancakes over in the pan.

"Morning, Dad," the young girl greets as she bounces happily around the kitchen cooking them breakfast.

"Morning, Pumpkin," he replies, sliding slowly onto one of the stools at the bar and stifling a yawn.

"You must have got home really late last night, you never sleep in this long. What were you doing anyway?"

Castle freezes momentarily under the questioning gaze of his daughter, he'd only told her that he had plans last night, hadn't elaborated on what those plans were. At the time he hadn't realized that sleeping with Kate Beckett would be included in his evening, but those kinds of things aren't something he'd discuss with Alexis anyway.

"Uh yeah, I just went down to The Old Haunt, hung out for a while," he replies, reaching for the plate she hands him with a shrug, hoping his daughter will let that explanation be enough.

She considers him for a moment before carrying her plate around to sit beside him at the bar, her silence indicating that she's content with his answer.

He spends the rest of his morning chatting with Alexis about school related topics and ignoring the increasing pounding of his headache, until at last she announces that she has plans with her friends and leaves him to endure his headache alone.

He searches through his medicine cabinet, finding two aspirin and grabs a large bottle of water before returning to the welcome darkness of his bedroom. After a bit of searching, he locates his phone in the pocket of pants which are crumpled on the floor with the rest of the clothes he shed before falling into the bed not too many hours ago.

As soon he plugs it in to the charger and turns it on it begins to repeatedly chime, alerting him to several missed calls and text messages. His heart leaps a little with hopes that one or more of the missed calls are from Kate, but he releases a resigned sigh when he finds that all of them are from Black Pawn.

He considers sending her a text, but the longer he stands there with his thumb hovering over the keys the more he realizes that he has no idea what to say to her. He wants to see her again, that much he knows, but he won't beg. And maybe it's better if he doesn't see her again right away, or at all, because he knows what one night with her made him feel, knows that if given the chance she could probably break him more than he already is.

He lays his phone on the nightstand instead, crawls back in the bed and drifts off to sleep, willing himself to dream of anything but her.

* * *

Kate wakes to the sound of her phone ringing, groaning when she imagines it's the precinct calling about a body drop, but when she sees Lanie's number flashing across her screen, she remembers that it's Sunday and she isn't on call.

She considers letting it go to voicemail, but she knows her friend will just keep calling so she answers the call and grumbles a hello into the speaker.

"Uh oh," her friend replies, "you do not sound like someone who had a date with Richard Castle last night. What happened?"

Kate groans as she rolls onto her back, stretching her protesting muscles as she thinks about everything that happened.

"There's nothing to tell, Lanie. It was just drinks, it didn't mean anything."

"What do you mean by that? Girl, I need details!"

She scrubs a hand over her face, wrinkles her nose when she realizes that she smells like him. Not that it's a bad smell, in fact, she remembers that he smelled quite nice, but she needs to take a shower, needs to erase memories before they take hold of her.

"We met for drinks, he kept trying to ask about my life and I brought him back here to shut him up," she grits out.

"Oh my god, you slept with him?"

She chokes on any answer that she tries to form, the words to confirm Lanie's question suddenly caught in her throat.

"Kate?" Lanie questions, unwilling to let her question go unanswered.

"Yes. Yes I slept with him, but that's all it was, Lanie. I just needed a release."

"Honey, I know that this is a hard month for you, I know that nothing makes it any easier, but this isn't like you. You don't sleep around."

"I'm not sleeping around. He was the first I've been with since before—well, it has been a while, okay? And it was a one-time thing."

She ignores the hesitation that she can hear in her voice at the mention of it being a one-time thing. She can't handle any more than that. She can't.

"So you're telling me that you slept with him and you're planning to never see him again?" Lanie says, disbelief laced in her otherwise gentle tone.

"I'm saying that this isn't something I'm going to pursue. It is what it is, Lanie. I need to get in the shower and get some things done around here. I haven't had a day off in weeks. I'll call you later, okay?"

"You better," the woman replies before hanging up.

Kate tosses her phone onto the bed before she throws the sheet off of her still naked body and heads straight for the shower. Once she's scrubbed her body clean and washed away any physical evidence from the night before, she steps out of the shower feeling surprisingly refreshed.

She doesn't notice the finger shaped bruises on her thighs until she's pulled on her panties and started rubbing lotion onto her legs. She traces the bruises with her fingers, recalls the way Castle's large hands had gripped her thighs, effectively holding her against the door while he pounded into her. The memories send chills through her body and she shakes her head, tries her best to ignore them.

She'd used sex with Castle as a way to escape her thoughts, a brief moment of relief from the usual nightmares of her life, but what is she supposed to do when the thing she used to escape becomes the thing she needs to escape from?

It's bad enough that it's Sunday, a day that used to be one of her favorites, spent with someone who always made things better for her. Now, that person is gone and her Sundays are filled with emptiness and memories that should make her smile, but instead bring tears as the anniversary of the second worst day of her life approaches.

She shouldn't want to spend that day with someone she just met, but she finds herself pulling up his name on her phone, ready to type out words that she doesn't mean. Not yet, anyway.

She doesn't text him though, she opts instead to go for a run, and as she pushes herself harder, racing through the park in a fierceness that she has no doubt is a trait her mother passed on to her, she finds the noose around her heart loosen just a bit.

* * *

Kate spends the next three days buried so deep in her most recent case that she has little time to think about anything else. It's what she does when she's hurting, what she's done for the last almost ten years of her life. And as long as it continued to provide the escape she needed, she would continue to do it.

She protests taking the personal day that her captain insists on, claims that sitting at home won't help her. Captain Montgomery knows she would rather distract herself with work, but he also knows he needs his best detective to be at the top of her game. Whether she likes it or not, she needs to process and deal with that day in the privacy of her home. So he makes it an order, and chooses to ignore the bite of her words before she storms out of his office and then out of the precinct without looking back.

She can't make herself go home. She sits in her car in the middle of the city and it doesn't matter that she's been there for the last three hours, she just can't fathom the idea of sitting alone in her apartment, knowing what day the morning will bring.

It goes against everything she is, everything she doesn't want to be, but she calls in a favor and she doesn't let herself regret it.

Kate lets her determination to not be alone carry her to his door, lets her need to just forget give her the courage to knock.

He swings the door open with ease, but she doesn't miss the surprise that washes over his face.

"Kate?" he questions, choosing to call her by her first name and she finds herself not caring.

She just stands there, body trembling and unable to find any words, so Castle tries a different approach.

"How did you get my address?" And it's not rude or demanding, just a simple question to try and figure out what she's doing standing at his door.

She shakes her head, still unable to form a sentence that will answer his question or explain why she's at his door this late at night.

"I don't really know what else to say," he finally says, after more long moments of silence, while they stand awkwardly in his doorway. "Can you help me out here?"

"Please," she breathes, unable or unwilling to say anything else. Maybe both.

"Please what?" he asks, brow furrowing in confusion.

And then she opts for showing instead of telling, because she's always been better at showing anyway. She steps over the threshold of his loft, backs him up with the press of her hands to his chest and then closes her mouth over his in a fury of emotions.

* * *

He doesn't push her away, couldn't even if he wanted to, because the haunted look in her eyes gave her away the moment he opened his door to her. She needs to forget whatever it is she's running from, again. And she's choosing to do that with him.

It's just as well, he was alone with a blank word document tonight anyway.

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Sorry for the wait on this update. Thanks for patiently waiting. **

**I hope you all survived tonight's episode! I loved it and I can't wait until next week! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

* * *

_**Please note: the majority of this chapter is rated M!**_

* * *

**Chapter 5**

She's relentless, tongue invading his mouth at the same time that her hands map his body. She doesn't cry, doesn't sob against the solid wall of his chest like she wants to do, but instead lets the feel of his hands and the press of his lips erase the emotional wave that's threatening to break and crash through her.

Kate backs him further into the loft, only stopping when his back hits the island in the center of his kitchen. He pulls her against him, hikes her leg around his waist and lets the rock of her hips spur him on.

But the moment she starts to slide his t-shirt up, hands fast and desperate to get his clothes off, he halts her movements and tears his lips away from hers.

She frowns up at him, heaving in breaths but still disappointed in the loss of his lips against her own. He doesn't say anything at first so she thinks he only needed to catch his breath, tries to dive back in, but his hands softly push her back.

"Kate, wait."

He grabs her arm when something like hurt flashes through her eyes and she tries to turn away from him.

"I don't want to wait. I need to fucking forget and waiting is not going to help me do that. If you don't want this then I'll go home, but I didn't come here to talk."

She won't look at him as she talks, eyes still cast towards the door, body ready to flee and make an exit. He keeps his grip on her arm firm, but not enough to hurt her or to keep her there if she really wanted to get away.

"What did you come here for exactly?" he questions, desperate for some type of information from this private, hurting, closed-off woman.

"I told you already, I need to forget."

He shakes his head at her words, unwilling to let her off the hook that easily.

"That's not the answer I'm looking for, Kate."

She looks at him now, but it's only to shoot him a glare, and a defiant look that says she's unwilling to give him any more information.

"What part of I don't want to fucking talk about it do you not understand? I'm not a character in your book that needs to be fleshed out, Castle. You helped me forget—helped me escape the other night and I came here hoping you could do the same again tonight."

Her voice carries through the loft, anger bubbling to the surface and out of her in a dangerous way. She vibrates with it, body trembling from the force of whatever it is she's trying to escape and he feels it beneath his palm.

* * *

Castle makes a decision, one he might regret tomorrow, but he has a plan and he hopes it works.

He uses his grip on her arm to pull her towards the bedroom, tightening it when she starts to resist. She allows him to pull her into the bedroom and then it's him who's pulling at her clothing, sending the articles in different directions around the room.

She seems frozen, stiff and unable to join in until he has her naked and pressed into the bed. He slides his still clothed body down the bed, presses her thighs apart and dips his head between her legs, tasting her for the first time.

His tongue slips through her folds, lapping at the sweet, tangy taste of her, gathering the evidence of how bad she wants him even if it's only to help her forget.

He feels the moment she starts to relax, feel the tension in her shoulders ease and her hands tangle in his hair when he flicks his tongue over her clit. And then he's sucking and licking, working her in a way that has her hips bucking off the bed and her fingers gripping his hair in an almost painful way.

She breaks apart on a sob, inner muscles clenching around the intrusion of his tongue, and he keeps his nose pressed against her swollen bud, prolongs her pleasure until she's whimpering that it's too much.

He leaves her briefly to strip out of his clothing, crawls back over her when she lifts her head to see where he's gone.

He kisses her hard, bruising her lips with the hard press of his own and she moans at the taste of herself on his tongue.

He's helping her forget.

When he settles between her legs, the tip of him brushing against her, she shifts her hips, but he doesn't give her what she wants. Instead, he rolls her on to her side and presses himself against her back, lifting her leg and letting it drape across his hip.

She tenses against him, feeling the intimacy of the contact and position, but she needs him too bad to push him away, wants him too much to change the position.

He slides into her slowly, pushing against her front wall as the swell of her ass bumps against his pelvis. She usually hates this position, has only let one other man enter her this way, and even then she hated it. But as Castle slides in and out of her, she finds herself rapidly approaching another release. She can feel every inch of him, the way he stretches her, fills her in a way that no one ever has. And he chases her pleasure, pushes her closer to orgasm, and she tightens around him, ready to fall apart for the second time, only he doesn't push her over the edge, in fact, he stops moving altogether.

* * *

Kate pushes back against him, begs him to move with the rock of her hips, but he remains still inside her.

"Castle," she growls, craning her neck around so that she can see his face.

"Tell me what you're trying to forget."

Her mouth falls open in surprise, clearly not expecting his question and then she tries to pull away from, forgets that only seconds ago she was on the verge of falling apart for a completely different reason than she is now.

His arm wraps around her waist, holding her against him. She turns wide eyes back to him, but he can't tell if she's scared because he's holding her there, or of the words he wants from her.

"I can't, please, move and finish what you started or let me go," she pleads, pleads for him to be okay with not knowing her story.

"Yes, you can. I know that we just met, but you can talk to me, Kate. Tell me what it is that you're carrying around, let me share some of the weight, even if it's just for tonight."

Her choked sob echoes through the room, alerting him to the flood of the tears that now trek down her cheeks. She hadn't wanted to cry in front of him, swore to herself that she would slip out of his loft before the memories of the rapidly approaching anniversary took hold of her.

Castle presses in closer to her back, rocks his hips into her as he does and she gasps through the onslaught of emotions, tries to bury her head in the pillow even as he reaches for her chin and turns her head towards him.

"Tell me, let it out. I'm right here, and if you want to cry on my shoulder all night long and leave tomorrow and never speak of it again, I'm okay with that, but don't keep holding it in."

"My dad," she chokes out, surprising him with her words and he wishes he could turn her in his arms, hold her close while she speaks, but he's sure she would run away before she ever let him do that.

So instead, he holds her tighter with the arm draped over her stomach, presses a chaste kiss against the soft skin of her shoulder.

"He's…tomorrow is the…" She breaks off, unable to finish her sentence as she chokes on a fresh wave of tears.

Castle finds her hand, tangles his fingers with hers and rests them on her stomach, hoping that his reassuring squeeze will give her to push to continue.

He hears the deep breath she heaves in, feels the rise of her chest as her lungs expand with air.

"He was an alcoholic, drank himself to death," she finally manages to choke out, trembling against him as more tears threaten to fall.

And Castle can't help but wonder how long she's held this in, how long she's gone without telling someone how she feels. How long has she been trying to forget?

"I'm sorry that you had to grow up with that," he whispers, letting his lips drift across her shoulder blade.

She stiffens against him, fingers squeezing his a little too tight. "I didn't grow up with that, he wasn't—he didn't drink while I was growing up."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize."

"My mom was murdered and my dad drank himself to death seven months later."

That's what she's been carrying around and trying to forget? Oh, Kate.

"Kate, that's—I feel like saying I'm sorry is the worst possible thing I could say. I hate that you've had to go through that."

She whimpers an answer that he can't make out, but then she pulls away from him only to turn in his arms and settle against him, chest to chest.

"How long?" he asks, hand tracing patterns over her hip bone as she stares up at him with red-rimmed eyes.

"Nine years ago tomorrow."

"And your mom?"

His questions are cautious, tone light and concerned as he searches her eyes.

"It was nine years in January, and the killer was never found," she answers, blinking back her tears as if she's afraid to let them fall now that she's facing him.

"You didn't deserve to go through that."

"And how would you know what I deserve? You don't even know me."

He watches as she closes herself off again, trying to fix her mask where she'd let it slip when she opened up to him.

"It doesn't matter, I know enough to know that you didn't deserve it. And I'm glad that you came here tonight."

She closes her eyes, shakes her head as if she doesn't believe anything he just said, but then her words surprise him and he catches that glimpse of light that he knows she's seeing at the end of the dark tunnel she's been trapped in.

"Me too."

They watch each other in silence, letting the weight of their conversation wash over them and then the burning need for each other returns and Kate lifts her leg over his hip at the same time that he slides back into her and then he helps her forget for the rest of the night.

* * *

In the early morning hours when she's sated, relaxed and pressed against his naked body, she lets him hold her close and for the first time since she lost so much of her life, she doesn't want to leave the presence of the person who made her forget.

In those last few hours before the light of a new day swallows up the darkness of the night, she finds a small part of her wants to let Richard Castle be a part of her life, even if it scares the hell out of her.

The dawn of August 15th brings the reminder of her father's passing, but for the first time since that day it also shines a beam of hope into the darkness of Kate's life.

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Once again I apologize for the delay on this update! I hope you're all well. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

* * *

**Chapter 6**

The morning light warms the naked skin of her back, a nice contrast to the cool air of the room. She shifts, presses closer to the warm body that she's resting against and then consciousness takes over, memories flooding her otherwise peaceful mind and she stiffens, eyes flying open to stare at the man she's in bed with.

He's asleep, thankfully, but she's wrapped in his arms, too much naked skin in contact with his for her to move without waking him. She tries not to panic, tries to keep the need to flee from taking over.

She can't remember the last time she allowed herself to be held, allowed cuddling after a round or multiple rounds of sex. It's just not her, not something she does or enjoys. But in spite of the need to run she also feels safe and cared for in the arms of her midnight lover and she finds herself liking that feeling.

* * *

Castle stirs underneath her, grunting as he stretches his body and she holds her breath as his eyes flutter open, the need to run surfacing again. She's not sure how long it has been since she found herself in the arms of a man when he woke up in the morning, isn't sure she can do the whole 'good morning, how did you sleep' conversation.

He blinks his eyes a few times, obviously trying to clear the sleep from his mind and remember how he ended up in bed with her pressed against his body. He smiles, arms tightening around her briefly before he drops them from her skin altogether and she almost sighs at the loss of warmth, at the loss of him. He must remember what day this is for her, because he suddenly seems tentative, cautious in the way he looks at her, and the way he touches her.

"You stayed," he rasps, voice still heavy with sleep and clearly trying to steer away from a cheerful conversation.

She still stiffens against him, fights her panic in favor of keeping herself calm. Maybe he didn't want her to stay?

"I uh—yeah…" It's all she can manage, words choosing to run and hide since she won't physically allow herself to.

"I'm glad," he answers, trying to erase her doubt.

"You are?" she asks, lifting her head to look at him because no one has ever said that to her before. She's never really given anyone the chance to.

"Of course."

She offers him a smile then, a small lift of her lips that seems to be all she can manage.

He must appreciate it because he lifts one of his arms to her bare back, softly rubs his fingertips up and down her spine.

She shivers against his touch, but silently begs him not to stop.

"I guess I'm lucky that I sent my mother and daughter to the Hamptons last night."

She sees a flash of darkness in his features, a cloud covering his bright cerulean eyes briefly before he tucks it away.

"Shit. I didn't even think about your family when I showed up here."

He continues to rub her back, soothing the stiffness of her limbs.

"It's okay. I wouldn't have turned you away regardless, but I may have tucked my daughter in before ravaging you in my bedroom. She's been scarred enough in her life."

She nods, not knowing what else to say and unable to find the right words to ask him if he's okay.

"They deserved to get away, Alexis especially."

She waits, but he offers no more explanation than that and the curiosity eats at her.

"Is there—did something happen?" she asks, not sure how else to breach the subject.

She sees the moment his eyes cloud over again, feels his body stiffen as he drops his hand from her skin.

"I'm sorry," she apologizes, "I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business."

To her surprise, he recovers just as quickly as he did before, hand returning to caress her back.

"No, it's okay. I know I pushed you to talk to me last night, but that subject is one I'm just not ready to breach. I'm sorry."

She knows whatever it is that happened to him must be bad. She tries to think back, remember the news reports since she became a cop, but she can't remember ever hearing anything about him that caught her attention.

"It's okay. I know all too well about not wanting to talk about things. Just—if you decide you want to talk about, or you need someone to listen…"

She trails off, realizing just how bad she is at opening up to someone and trying in return to be there for them. But he seems to understand and accept her words, little as they may be.

"Thank you."

She nods, offering him a more genuine smile.

And then there's awkward silence, two broken people who are a little less than strangers, naked, but unsure of what to say to each other.

* * *

She's thankful when her bladder makes a decision for her and she glances around his room, spotting a door in the corner that she assumes is the bathroom.

"Is that the bathroom?"

"Oh yeah, make yourself at home. There's a shower and a bathtub and the towels are in a heated rack. Use whatever you need."

She thanks him as she shifts off the bed, suddenly a little more self-conscious at the thought of walking across his room naked. She spots his shirt at the end of the bed and reaches for it, pulling it on before hurrying into his bathroom.

She misses his chuckle along with his approving perusal of her long legs and his appreciation of seeing her in his shirt,

She takes her time in the bathroom, using his mouthwash and running her fingers through her short hair, attempting to tame the wild locks. And once she's out of things to do that justify the amount of time she's spent in there, she emerges, awkwardly making her way back towards the bed.

She starts searching for her clothes, finding the random articles scattered all over the room, but she looks up to find Castle frowning at her.

"Are you leaving?" he asks, pushing himself into a sitting position so that he can watch her.

"Yeah, I need to—I mean I can't just take over your whole day. And I need to go to the cemetery."

"You could stay?" he suggests, shrugging when she only stares at him. "I mean, if you want to. There's no reason for you to spend this day alone."

Oh.

"I don't think I know you well enough to spend the day blubbering on your shoulder and dragging you to a cemetery to talk to a dead man that you never knew."

The words catch in her throat as she finishes, choking her with a force that has her turning away from him, unwilling to let him see her weakness.

Shit. She should have gone home last night.

Castle comes for her, easing a hand onto her shoulder as if he's unsure she can handle anymore contact. Truthfully, she's not sure she can.

"Kate, you don't have to hide from me. Whatever you need, I'm here. And if you wanted to spend the day blubbering on my shoulder I'd be more than happy to offer it to you. I know that we don't know each other that well, but I'd like to change that, if you'd let me."

"I can't," she sobs, hiding her face from him as the tears burn her cheeks.

"Yes, you can." He wraps his arms around her then, cradles her to his chest and though she doesn't wrap her own around him, she lets her head fall against his shoulder, lets her tears soak his skin.

She's limp against him for a long time, only her soft whimpers filling the room and he soothes her, holds her until she's able to hold it together.

But when she pulls away she doesn't go far, surging up on her tiptoes to press her lips against his. He thinks she's only thanking him, but her kiss turns ferocious, igniting a fire that can only be put out in one way.

He lifts her then, carrying her back to the bed and pressing her into the soft mattress as she kisses him with a fierce hunger.

She jerks her lips away from his to take deep breaths, filling her lungs with air. He takes the opportunity to lift his shirt over her head, tossing it off the bed.

She whimpers into his mouth when he returns his lips to hers, legs wrapping around his waist and holding him against her.

When he starts nipping a trail of kisses down her neck, she breathes her words, stopping him just short of her breast.

"I should really go," she says, body betraying her words as it arches towards him.

"Is that what you really want?" he asks, tongue flicking over her nipple, eliciting a gasp from her.

"No," she confesses, eyes squeezing shut with her admission.

"Then stay," he says. "Let me be what you need, at least for today, even if that's all you can handle for now."

She stays.

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_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I apologize for the wait on this one. Real life has been insane. Also, I promise more of Castle's painful history will be revealed in the next chapter. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Castle sighs when the call cuts straight to voicemail yet again. Another day of nothing from the woman he can't get out of his mind. It's been two weeks since he let her walk out his door; fourteen days since he promised to give her time and let her come to him. She hasn't called, hasn't text, he's heard nothing from her.

He'd spent the entire anniversary of her Father's death with her, comforted her, and distracted her. He even went with her to the cemetery, held her hand while she stared at a gravestone carved with both her Mother and Father's names. And then he'd brought her back to the loft, fixed her dinner and distracted her some more.

She let him in that day; let him be something to her that he's not sure she's ever let anyone else. But when they day turned to night, the hours of a horrible anniversary slipping away, she'd put her walls back up and shut him back out again.

She's too young to have experienced so much pain, too young to have lost both parents.

But as the anniversary of Castle's own nightmare quickly approaches, he finds himself wanting her around. He's not sure he could tell her the entire story, not sure he could give her the details without losing himself in them, but her presence would make a world of difference.

His daughter will need him during the day, need his reassurance just as she always does, but at night when his head hits the pillow, he yearns for someone to help fight off his demons.

So, he calls Kate one more time, silent whispers of 'please' dying on his lips, but it beeps in his ear, clicks to her voicemail once again and he tosses the phone roughly to his desk.

It's just as well, he hasn't talked about that day with anyone since it happened six years ago, he's not sure he's ready to start now.

* * *

He turns his phone off, leaves it on his desk as he goes to find his daughter, determined to take her mind off of things, even for just a little while.

Alexis was so young when it happened, but not too young to remember, not too young to be effected by it. No child should witness the things she did, should hear the things her mother had said to her.

She's in her room when he finds her, nose buried in a book he knows she's read multiple times. But from the time she started reading books which wasn't too long after the incident, she's been reading "Wuthering Heights".

"Hey, Pumpkin," he calls out, peeking around her door to get her attention.

"Hey, Dad," the young girl smiles, closing her book and focusing her attention on him.

"You want to go get some dinner and ice cream?" he asks, pushing the cheeriness into his voice that he knows his daughter needs.

"Sure, I'll meet you downstairs in just a few."

"Okay," he nods, heading back downstairs to grab his coat.

He leaves his phone on the desk, not even bothering to turn it back on before he leaves. Instead, he focuses on his daughter, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and skipping to the elevator with her. Okay, maybe he's the only one skipping while Alexis laughs at him, but she's smiling and that's all that matters.

Remy's is packed when he follow Alexis inside, thankful when he spots their favorite waitress who has a table waiting for them in the back corner of the small burger joint. They've been coming to Remy's since Alexis was about five, a place that has remained their favorite.

Half way into their dinner, burgers half eaten and a second order of chocolate milkshakes on the way, Castle looks up to see no other then the woman who's been avoiding him for two weeks.

Her back is turned to him, but he knows it's her from the way she holds herself while she talks. He knows that body, has explored every inch of it and even clothed, he knows the ways Kate moves.

But despite the pang of yearning, he silently prays that she doesn't turn around, because an awkward encounter in front of his daughter is not what he needs right now. Alexis may only be fourteen, but she's extremely observant and picks up on things that others wouldn't.

He ducks his head, focuses on his burger and sighs in relief when their waitress brings back their chocolate shake refills, effectively blocking them from Kate's view should she turn around.

But just when he thinks he's in the clear, Alexis excuses herself for the bathroom and Kate picks that moment to turn around her gaze landing directly on him.

Well, Shit.

* * *

He doesn't smile, doesn't lift a hand and wave at her like the gentleman in him would normally do. He just stares awkwardly at her, unwilling to break the ice that's lingering between them.

Kate seems to realize that it's her who must make the first step, because she's the one who put the space between them to start with. She whispers something to the man standing beside her, a man that Castle assumes is one of her partners and then she's coming closer, stopping only a few inches from where he sits.

"Uh, hi," she stutters, her calm and collected detective demeanor wavering under the intensity of Castle's stare.

"Hello," he greets, although it can't really be described as a greeting when he looks so thoroughly disgusted with her.

"I didn't expect to see you here," she tries, fingers twisting almost nervously in front of her.

"I'm sure you didn't," he bites, though his voice remains low and civil.

"What does that mean?" She frowns, shoulders tensing at the unwelcome vibe she's receiving from him.

"It doesn't matter." He glances around her, ignoring her for a moment before settling back against the booth he's seated in. "Look, I'm here with my daughter and I really don't want to have an awkward conversation or whatever this is with you in front of her. I'm trying to keep her mind off of…" He trails off, unable and unwilling to continue in the middle of a burger joint with a woman who's done her best to avoid him for two weeks.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, a barely there apology that Castle would have missed had he not been looking at her lips.

"For ignoring me for two weeks or for this pointless conversation?"

Kate actually flinches at the words of his question, but he can't bring himself to be sorry for his tone. He doesn't have the energy or mental capacity to deal with her right now.

She can't find the words she knows he needs so she lets the thing between them remain as it is.

"My partner is waiting for me, so I'll just…" She motions behind her, starting to step away from the table as Castle nods, dismissing her without words.

She turns just before she's out of earshot, catching his attention once again. "And in answer to your question, both. I'm sorry for both."

He doesn't offer her any response, so she turns and walks away from him, ignoring the pounding disappointment of her heart.

* * *

Alexis returns to the table, ignoring his shift in mood even if she picks up on it and he's grateful for that, for her ability to know when to change the subject.

She pushes his milkshake towards him, smiling when he winks and puts his straw to his mouth. They drink until brain freeze takes over and they're both laughing with their hands pressed against their throbbing heads.

His mood is lighter after that, conversation flowing between him and his daughter as they finish their dinner.

"Hey, Dad?" Alexis asks when he's paid the bill and they step out onto the busy New York sidewalk.

"Yeah?"

"What do you think things would be like if Mom was still here?"

He freezes, her question catching him off guard and he sees the panic flare in her eyes, hears the apology on her tongue before she's even speaking the words.

"I'm sorry, Daddy," she breaths, pulling him into a tight hug that effectively chases the demons away for the time being.

"It's okay, pumpkin. You have every right to ask questions like that."

He pulls her along the street with him, holds her close as he thinks over her question. His daughter deserves so much more than the mediocre answers he has for questions like this.

"I wish I knew, but you know what?"

Alexis stops, stares up at him as he fights to keep his composure.

"What?"

"What happened with your Mother was never your fault. She didn't know how to love you like I do. But you are so loved, don't you ever doubt that, okay?"

"I don't," his daughter reassures him, pulling him further along the sidewalk and back towards the loft.

He tucks her in just like he's always done and it doesn't matter that she's fourteen, she still lets him do it.

* * *

When he walks through his office he grabs his phone from the desk, turning it on and tossing it onto the bed before he sheds his clothes, dropping them into the hamper.

He takes longer in the shower than usual, letting the hot water beat against his skin and it's both soothing and a punishment, yet he welcomes them both.

He catches the final ring of his phone when he emerges from the bathroom, glancing down to see Kate's number on the screen. He doesn't race to answer it, doesn't smile like he would have a few days ago.

He ignores the voicemail that his phone reminds him she left, but swipes through his text messages, not surprised to find a few from her, but the last one catches his eye and he sits heavily onto the bed to read it.

_I'm sorry for running for the last two weeks. I'm just not ready for anything else right now and I know that you want more then what I can offer you. I know you're hurting right now, Castle, and it's not from this thing we've been doing. You're carrying around an extreme weight of grief that you try your best to hide from others. I spend most of my day watching people, I see it even when you try to mask it._

He's not sure how he feels when he finishes reading her message, isn't sure if he wants to see her or let her go. But his musings are interrupted when another message from her pops up on his screen.

_I don't want to interrupt anything with you and your daughter, but it's late and I know that you need someone to help ease your pain, just like you've done for me—more than once now. You didn't answer my call so I'm taking a chance. Let me in?_

He stumbles off the bed and through his office, taking care to be quiet as he comes to a stop in front of the door. He almost thinks that she won't be there when he pulls the door open, almost expects this to be some type of cruel joke. But when he swings the metal free from its frame, there she is, beautiful and wearing the same thing she was when he saw her earlier.

"Kate…" He stutters, unable to say anything else because he's wrestling with how much he wants her and how certain he is that he needs to walk away from her. She's everything he wants and everything that will break him at the same time.

"You don't have to say anything right now, just let me be for you what you've been for me, an escape."

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thank you for waiting patiently for this update. My other WIP (A Book of Hope) only has two chapters left and it will be finished so I'll be focusing on this more. This one is a little shorter before we get into some more in depth parts of the story.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

* * *

_**Trigger warning for mention of self-harm.**_

* * *

**Chapter 8**

Castle reaches for her, pulling her into the loft and easing the door quietly shut behind them. Kate presses him back against it, lips attaching roughly to his as she pours her apology for ignoring him into the kiss.

She gasps when he pushes her away, a little more roughly than he intended to.

"Not here, my daughter is asleep upstairs," he murmurs before stepping around her, leaving her to follow him to the bedroom.

* * *

She expects him to take her as soon as he shuts the door behind them, twisting the lock to ensure that there are no interruptions, but he bypasses her instead, avoiding her eyes and dropping heavily onto the edge of the bed.

She stands awkwardly just inside the bedroom, unsure of how to help him because it seems that what sex does for her, is the opposite for him. And no matter how bad she wants him inside her right now, pounding away her own memories, she's the one who shut him out, who refuses to let him in.

Approaching him cautiously, she slips her hands over his shoulders, rubs them gently until he gives in and his head falls to rest against her stomach. She lets him draw what he needs from her, runs her fingers through his hair until she sees his body relax and hears the deeps breaths he's taking.

"I want to help you," she whispers against the crown of his head, but he pushes away from her again, turning his face away so that she can't see the pain in his eyes.

"You can't," he shakes his head, fighting with his emotions, determined not to break in front of a woman who he barely knows.

"How do you know that if you won't give me a chance?" she asks, reaching for his face, feathering her fingers across his chin and slowly turning his head towards her.

"Why should I give you a chance? You spent the anniversary of your Father's death with me, opened up and told me about your parents and then you left and I didn't hear from you for two weeks. You sent me a text and told me that you basically want nothing more than sex. And if that's what works for you, if that's what helps you forget, that's great, but I don't work that way. So tell me, why should I let you in when I know it's only going to end in pain? Look at me, Kate, I can't handle any more pain."

She flinches, physically flinches at the bite of his words, but he's right. She's not ready for a relationship and since her parent's deaths, she's always kept one foot out the door when it comes to relationships. She lets sex numb her pain, lets it temporarily cover the wounds that she carries around. But underneath the layers she continues to pile on, the hurt is still there and the way she's living gives no chance for healing.

"I don't want to cause you any more pain, Castle, and you're right, I've given you no reason to trust me. Would it be better if I left?"

She sees the flash of pain in his eyes, knows immediately that leaving won't help him anymore than her being there will.

"If you want to leave you know where the door is," he states, turning away from her again.

"Rick, do you want me to leave?" she asks, waiting patiently for his answer.

His hands fidget, twisting awkwardly in his lap and she misses his mumbled reply.

"Rick, please look at me." She waits until he does so and then tries her question again. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No," he whispers, squeezing his eyes shut and swallowing thickly. "I wish that I did, but damn it Kate, I want you in my life, even if you can't offer me what I really want."

She coaxes him further onto the bed, climbing into his lap when he settles comfortably against the head board.

"I'm sorry," she breathes against his skin, over and over again until he starts to believe that she really means it, that she's really sorry for being a broken woman who can't even fathom the thought of loving someone else.

When Kate leans back, she takes in the way he's looking at her, but she can't read him like she can her suspects, can't get past the mask that he's wearing.

"Tell me what you're thinking right now."

He shakes his head, lifts his hands to her waist and she shivers when he touches her for the first time since she walked through his door.

"You've never called me Rick before," he states, but the mask remains firmly in place.

"Oh, I um…I've heard people call you that before and calling you Rick just seemed more…"

"Personal? Intimate?" he answers for her, tone relaying only a little of the way he's feeling.

She sighs, squeezing her eyes closed to regain her composure because he constantly surprises her with the seriousness of his questions.

"I can't promise you anything more than this. I won't do that because I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have. But I'll work on it, okay?"

He nods, accepting her answer with the tiny bit of light that it brings and then he lets her press closer to him, and his hands find their way under her shirt and for just a little while he lets her ease his pain.

* * *

But the moments that his breathing returns to normal and the cool air sends goose bumps forming across his naked skin, he's right back in the black cloud that has become his life and the blaring light of the clock on the table beside his bed painfully reminds him of the day that's approaching.

He rolls away from Kate, curls in on himself and for a brief moment forgets that she's even there. The night slips away and the dawn of a new day brings a crushing reminder that the woman he once shared a bed with, the woman he once loved, is no longer a part of his life.

* * *

Kate notices the change in him instantly, blinking lazy eyes open to find him curled away from her. The soft trembling of his shoulders shakes the bed and Kate turns towards him and drapes herself around his body, wrapping him in the warmth of her embrace.

Comforting others isn't her strong suit, but this man is quickly finding a place in her heart that terrifies her. She's not sure how long he's been living in this state of pain, how long he's been bottling it up without talking to anyone, but from her own experiences she knows it isn't healthy and she knows he needs someone to open up to.

If she can't be anything else for him right now, she can be his shoulder to cry on.

"I don't know what you're carrying around, but you don't have to carry it alone. You've taught me that letting it out is the best way to ease some of the pain. I shared my burdens with you, Castle. I'd like to return the favor if you'll let me.

His body shutters beneath hers, the emotions taking hold of him and she holds him through it, until the shaking becomes a soft trembling once again.

She thinks he's going to remain silent, choose to let her hold him in his moment of weakness and nothing more, but then he looks up at her, eyes filled with a darkness that she knows all too well and his words break her heart a little more.

"My wife, Alexis' mom, she committed suicide."

All the words that she was prepared to say to him, all of the confidence that she would be able to comfort him drains away and she's left speechless, unable to do anything but stare back at the broken shell of a man who lays beneath her.

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thank you again for waiting patiently for an update. Now that "A Book of Hope" is finished I'll be focusing more on this story.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

* * *

**_Just in case you missed the trigger warning in the last chapter, there are mentions of self harm in this one as well._**

* * *

**Chapter 9**

Kate's words falter under the devastating gaze of a broken man. Castle watches her in the shadows of the bedroom, emotion shining in the deep blue pools that normally shine a bright cerulean. She can see that he has no more words, that the ones he just confessed to her have rendered him unable to function and as much as she desperately wants to help him, she has no idea how.

The truth is, no one could help her when she lost both her mother and father. No words could comfort the aching emptiness; no physical embraces could erase the pain. Nothing helped her, so how can she possibly help him?

"Rick," she soothes, choosing to use his first name because if there's ever a time that's going to be extremely personal and intimate between them, this is it.

He doesn't react, doesn't acknowledge her use of his first name, in fact, the only thing he does is stare back at her. But if she had to guess she'd say he's not really looking at her at all. His eyes have glazed over; propelling him back in time to what she's sure is that painful day where he lost his wife. He's surrounded, trapped in the overwhelming darkness that suicide brings to the families left behind.

"I'm sorry. I wish that there was more I could offer you, but I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that."

She pushes herself closer to him, brushes her lips across his cheek and her fingers find his own, anchoring him to her in the only way she can.

* * *

It's quiet for a long time, so long that she almost hopes he's drifted off to sleep, but when she lifts her head to look at him he's still staring straight ahead. And she's not cut out for this, has no business trying to comfort someone when she's nothing but a broken, haunted woman herself.

But she won't leave him, won't let him deal with his demons alone, because he did the same for her.

She returns her head to his chest, hopes that at least her presence is bringing him some comfort. And the rhythmic beating of his heart eventually lulls her to sleep.

* * *

Not even an hour later she's jostled awake by movement, eyes flashing open when she realizes that Castle has rolled her off of him and slipped out of the bed. She groans, glancing at the clock and sighing when the blue glow of three a.m. glares back at her.

"Castle, what's going on?" she asks, pushing herself into a sitting position so that she can see him better.

"Go back to sleep, Kate. I have to check on Alexis."

He moves towards the door as he speaks, not turning to look back at her.

"It's three in the morning, I'm sure she's sleeping. Come back to bed," she murmurs, rubbing her eyes to try and clear the blurriness.

"I'll be back after I check on her," he says with his back still to her.

And she shouldn't push her luck, but she can't stop the words from tumbling from her mouth.

"Rick, you need to get some sleep."

"You don't understand," he bites, finally whipping around to stare angrily at her.

"Understand what? Why you need to check on your teenage daughter at three in the morning?"

"Alexis is the one who found Meredith. Not me. I should have been there, I should have stopped it, but instead, my baby girl found her mother cold on the floor in our bathroom while I was at a meeting with Black Pawn."

Once again she's rendered speechless, blown away by the pain and suffering that this family has been through. But he doesn't give her a chance to say anything; he just turns and walks out, leaving her awkwardly alone in his bedroom.

* * *

He's gone for a long time, so long that the first rays of sunshine are slipping through the window, bathing the room in a soft, warm glow that would lift any soul if it weren't for the black cloud that's permanently settled around both her and Castle. Two completely different worlds of darkness, two devastating storms that have battered and beaten them both.

She finally gives up on the chances of falling back asleep; the things Castle has opened up to her about rolling around her mind on constant replay. She tosses the covers away from her body, finds her clothes where they landed randomly around his room the night before and then slips into his bathroom, softly closing the door behind her.

The large walk-in shower calls to her, its fancy controls and customizable water temperature enough the make her hum with pleasure. She sinks into the stream of water, lets the perfect pressure pound away the soreness of her muscles and jumbled thoughts of her mind.

For minutes that she eventually loses track of she's able to lose herself to the drops of water that cascade down her skin, able to forget everything that she's done and said and heard in the last few hours. But then a sharp burst of cool air drifts across her skin and chill bumps dance over the expanse of her body before Castle steps in behind her and chases the chill with the press of his warm, naked skin.

* * *

She wants to fight the immediate need for him, wants to swallow down the arousal that seeps through her blood, but his hands find purchase on her body and she shivers, backing herself up against the hard wall of his chest.

She knows what this is, knows that he's using her method for forgetting. Sex is an escape for her but he's already told her that it doesn't work for him, so why is he choosing to use it now? Why is he relying on a short term remedy when the long term effects will hurt him far more than it will her?

Only he can answer those questions, but she won't voice them aloud, won't stop him from taking what he needs from her, because that's all she can offer him right now.

"Castle," she breathes when he spins her around, backs her against the cool tiled wall in the far corner of the shower.

She shivers when the stream of water is cut off, leaving her dripping, wet skin chilled and protesting, but he quickly replaces it with the press of his body, uses his knee to nudge her legs apart as his hand drops lower.

The first dip of his fingers through her swollen, tender flesh makes her body burn in places that she wasn't aware it could. He eases one finger then two inside of her, twists them against her front wall and catches her around the waist with his free hand when her knees buckle and threaten to send her to the ground.

It's so good and she doesn't want him to stop, but she wants to know, needs to hear more from him. And it's selfish for her to even ask because she wasn't willing to give him much more information about her past than he's given her, but his pain draws her in, makes her curious and needy for the backstory of this man that she doesn't want to let herself fall for, though falling for him is exactly what she's doing.

And it's not because she's afraid that he'll hurt her, even the few nights spent in his bed or hers have proven that hurting her would be the last thing he would do. It's because she'll hurt him, it's inevitable and a trait that she was born with, the ability to hurt others even when she doesn't realize she's doing it. And hurting him would break her, if it's even possible for the shattered pieces of her life to break again.

Richard Castle deserves more than her, and she hopes he'll see that before she has to force herself to leave him alone.

The sweet glide of his fingers pauses, causing her drowning thoughts to release their hold on her and she lifts her head, finds his eyes with her own and stares into the twin pools filled with pain and torment, but also with want and desire.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asks, shifting his fingers so that they almost slide out of her and she whimpers.

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Because you seem to be anywhere but here right now and if you don't want this then you can tell me, Kate."

She nudges his hand from between her legs because having his fingers inside her seems inappropriate for the seriousness of their conversation. But when hurt flashes across his eyes, clueing her in to how much he wanted her to tell him not to stop, she wraps her arms around his neck, keeps him from moving away.

"Are you doing this because you want to, or because you're trying to use my method of escaping even though you already told me it doesn't work for you?"

"If I say both does that make me a terrible person?" he asks, squeezing his eyes shut and taking a deep breath before focusing on her again.

"No, it makes you human," she whispers, leaning in to brush her lips across the edge of his mouth.

"I'm here for whatever you need, Rick. I can't—I can't promise you a relationship because regardless of what you may think you know about me, a relationship with me should be the last thing you want, but I'm here right now, so tell me, what do you need?"

"You," he breathes against her lips, surging in to kiss her, bruising her already swollen lips with the fierceness of his kiss.

"Then take me," she whimpers, sighing when he leaves her mouth to trail kisses down across her jaw.

"No, Kate."

Hurt washes through her when he pauses after those words and she starts the push away from him, but he tightens his hold on her body.

"I want all of you," he clarifies, the pressure of his fingers almost painful on her hip when she freezes, entire body becoming stiff and unmovable with the weight of his words.

"No, you don't want that," she protests, shaking her head and shoving against his chest, but he refuses to move and her chest tightens with the panic that's rising through her body.

"Yes, I do."

"Don't," she argues, pushing him harder so that he finally steps back. "I know you're hurting right now, but I'm the last person you should want, so don't say that. Don't."

She heaves in a breath when she finishes talking, doubling over to rest her hands on her knees because suddenly, looking at him is entirely too much for her.

"Kate," he soothes, stepping closer to her again and when her body trembles, the weight of their conversation taking its toll on her, his hands find her shoulders and ease her upright again.

"Two weeks ago you spent the night in my bed. You let me spend the whole day with you on the anniversary of your Father's death. You let me in even when you didn't want to and I think at the end of the day you were glad you did. Every day for the past two weeks I hoped you would call, I waited for you. Do you know why?"

She shakes her head, unable to form any words in answer to his question.

"Because I think you're extraordinary. And that's just from the little bit I know about you. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know what I can offer you right now in the midst of the disaster that I am, but I know that I want you in my life. When Meredith committed suicide, I thought I would never want another woman again, because it was all I could do to live through the pain. But then I met you and something inside me flickered to life again. I don't care how broken we both are, I don't care that we'll have to pick up our pieces one at a time. We can do that together. I mean it when I say I want you, all of you, because I don't want to be lonely anymore, and I think deep down inside, you don't either."

The honesty of his words is written all over his face and it breaks her apart, releases the sobs from the dam she'd hoped would hold them back. He catches her against his chest, holds her up until the trembling in her slender frame eases and she's able to push herself back a fraction, able to stand without her knees buckling.

"Please say something," he begs when she only stares at him, eyes wide with panic.

"When you went upstairs earlier you seemed so closed off, so much like myself that I understood completely your need to not talk about it, so I didn't expect you to come in here and say the things you just did."

"I didn't either," he admits. "But I went upstairs to check on my sleeping, innocent daughter and I started thinking. She deserves more from her father than a walking shell. She deserves more and so do I. And I want more with you."

She pauses before she answers, takes a deep breath to calm her nerves.

"Opening up isn't easy for me. I guess—I haven't trusted someone enough to let them in for so long that I'm not sure I know how to anymore. But I will admit that something about you is different. You make me feel things that scare the hell out of me. I've only been in one serious relationship since I lost my parents and he moved across the country for a job. I know how bitter the events of my life have made me, I know how difficult I can be and I don't want to hurt you, Rick. God, that's the last thing I want to do."

"You won't" he assures her, backing her up against the wall again.

"You don't know that," she says, shaking her head when he lifts his hand to her face, cradles her cheek against his palm.

"You're right, I don't. But I'm choosing to believe it. Do you trust me, Kate?"

She swallows but nods her head. "Yes. I don't—trusting isn't usually something I do so easily, but I do trust you."

"Do you want me?" he asks, using the hand not resting against her cheek to lift her leg and drape it over his hip.

She drops her head back against the wall when his erection shifts between her open legs, pushing against her sensitive flesh.

"Kate?" he questions, growling against the exposed flesh of her neck.

"Yes. Yes I want you," she whimpers, rocking her hips against him in invitation.

"Then let me have you, all of you."

The air between them ceases to move, everything frozen in time while he waits for her answer, waits for the words that he's desperate to hear. And any other time she would run, get away from there as quickly as she could, but for the first time in her entire life her answer comes with so much clarity that her heart pounds violently against her chest.

"Okay," she chokes out.

"Okay?" he repeats, needing more from her.

"Okay, yes. I'm yours, Castle. You have me. But I can't promise-"

He cuts her off, sealing his lips against hers with so much passion and promise of his own that she has to fight back more tears. And then clearly he's had enough words, heard all he needs to hear from her, because he lifts her leg higher and slides into her without warning.

The delicious stretching as he thrusts in and out over and over is more than welcome, the increased wetness between her legs making it obvious. She moans, incoherent words ripping from her throat as he drives her higher, hits her in just the right place so perfectly that her other leg trembles, threatening to give out.

Castle doesn't miss a beat, lifting her other leg and draping it around his waist as he pushes her harder against the wall, holds her there with the sharp, repetitive thrust of his body.

"Oh, god, yes," she cries out when the angle changes and pleasure ripples through her body.

And then without warning she breaks around him, sobbing through her release as wave after wave of sweet ecstasy washes over her. But instead of slowing down and waiting for her to come down from her high, Castle fucks her through it, hurdling her towards another orgasm before she recovers from her first.

She tightens her legs around him, clenches her inner muscles in time to this thrusts and he groans his approval seconds before he spills inside her, white hot release pulsing and spilling out around them.

* * *

Things are quiet when they step out of the shower, drying each other off in a comfortable silence that neither has experienced since they met.

She knows it's later in the morning when they spill out into the bedroom, tangled in each other's arms and the sunlight dances across their naked skin.

But then awareness kicks in and she shies away from him.

"Kate?" he questions, following her back into the bathroom where she's quickly dressing.

"I'm sorry, I just…your daughter is here and after everything she's been through I don't think walking into your room to find you with a naked woman that she's never met is the best thing for her."

He chuckles, brushing a hand over her neck once she has pulled her shirt over her head.

"My door has a lock, and Alexis never just bursts into my bedroom, Kate, in fact, she rarely steps foot in here since…"

He trails off, glancing around the bathroom as if he's just remembering what scene he found eight years ago in the very same room.

"Rick?" she soothes, lifting her hands to his arms, smoothing her palms over the expanse of his biceps.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shut down like that. I'm…I haven't opened up to anyone but my therapist about this. Alexis was too young to talk to, all I could do for her was answer questions, and my mother just didn't understand. I moved her in here to be there for Alexis, but I basically closed off that part of my life from everyone else."

She nods her understanding, dropping her arms to circle around his waist. "Does going to a therapist help?" she asks.

"I guess it helped to get it all out, but I stopped going after a few weeks, stopped wanting to talk about it."

She nods again because she knows all too how not wanting to talk about things feels. And sometimes when people constantly ask it just becomes too much.

"If we're going to do this—a relationship, I think opening up to each other is something we're going to have to work on right?"

"Yes," he answers. "I need to apologize ahead of time because talking about Meredith is painful and I get defensive sometimes. I don't want to say anything that will hurt you, so bear with me, okay?"

"Rick, you're talking to the queen of hurting people. I already told you that I was terrified I would hurt you more than you already are, so I of all people will understand if you lash out."

"But that's the last thing I want to do. I want to be able to tell you everything," he admits, honesty burning bright in the deep blue pools staring back at her.

"I know. I just—I don't know where to start with this. How do we know the line between what's too much and what's not enough?" she asks.

"We listen to each other, we read each other. When there are things we need to know we push, but when it's too far, when we need to back off and give it some time we just tell each other."

"Okay," she agrees.

* * *

Quietness falls over the room again, painting them both in a sea of unknown knowledge and the questions burn through Kate's mind, demanding to be asked. She hesitates on her next words, unsure of how much he can handle on this day, but if opening up is something they have to work on then she knows asking can only push them forward.

"Can you—how did…I don't really know how to ask this," she shrugs, biting her lip as her nerves take over.

"You want to know more about Meredith?" he asks, reading her mind with an ease that scares her almost as much as it thrills her.

"Yes, but only what you're comfortable with. I know that today's a hard day, but being with you two weeks ago, talking to you about things that no one else knew, it helped me, so much."

He moves away from her, confusing her as he rifles through the bottom drawer of his dresser and pulls out a small box. When he lifts the lid he retrieves a small, folded piece of paper.

He reaches for her hand, pulls her to the bed and motions for her to sit beside him and once she does he places the paper in her lap.

"Meredith was complicated. And though it's not the norm, I think telling you about that part of my life is best started from the end. I've never let anyone else read this except for the investigating officer who assisted the case when Meredith's parents refused to believe that she took her own life. I found this letter under my pillow the night after she did it."

Kate takes a deep breath, lifting the letter so that she can carefully unfold it.

"You want me to read her goodbye letter? Are you sure?"

"We have to start somewhere, Kate. My wife committed suicide and you deserve to know why."

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks again for patiently waiting for this. This is kind of a whirlwind of a chapter but that's what teenage girls are good for.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

* * *

**Chapter 10**

The weight of the paper rests heavy in her hands, like an anchor weighs down a ship. A painful goodbye is spilled across it, words that she's completely unprepared for. And the thought of what Rick must have felt when he read them, the heavy brokenness of a woman he loved, claws its way up her throat, and she has to swallow thickly around it, has to bite back the bile and force herself to carefully unfold the letter.

Across the elegantly scribbled words are splotches, smudges where Kate's sure tears fell and blurred the words, though whom the tears belonged to remains a mystery to any reader who wasn't a witness to them as they landed. But the disturbed ink doesn't change the message of the letter, the pain and sorrow, the hitched breaths that choked thier way through Meredith's lungs, all still plainly clear.

Kate reaches for Rick's hand as she flattens the letter against her lap, anchors him to her as she loses herself to the final goodbye of a broken soul.

* * *

_Richard,_

_I know that it doesn't matter what words I write here because you'll never understand them anyway. You've always had a way with words, but when it comes to understanding those of the people closest to you, well, you choose to see and hear what you want to rather than the truth._

_I never asked for this life, I never wanted the same things as you, but as with all lessons in life, I didn't get exactly what I wanted._

_When I met you, you were fun, carefree and uncomplicated and you just wanted to live. It was perfect. But then you started writing Derrick Storm and things changed. Your muses became obsessions and they changed you, that character changed you._

_As an actress I never wanted to ruin my body, never wanted to worry about a child that I could nether care for nor wanted to care for._

_I never wanted Alexis and I told you that the second I found out that I was pregnant with her, but you wouldn't let me make the choice that I wanted to._

_And since I've had her things have only grown worse between us. Your nose is stuck in your computer almost all the time. You go out with these people whom you base your characters off of and I never know what's really going on. _

_I never wanted to be a mother, Richard and I certainly never wanted to do it by myself._

_Everything about my life has become something that I never wanted it to be and I can't do it anymore, I just can't._

_I can't live this life with you, I can't be a mother to a little girl that I never wanted._

_And this is going to sound selfish to you, because like I said before, you'll never understand this, but I only see one way out. I only see one option._

_Maybe it will be better for you in the long run, maybe raising Alexis on your own will help you become the man that you want to be but can't seem to find. And maybe one day you'll find a woman who can appreciate those things about you._

_I wasn't made to love. How can you love someone when you don't even understand what the word means? _

_And even if I understood it, how could I love someone who never opens up to me? You want people to be an open book, but in return you give them no knowledge of yourself. _

_You could write multiple books about me, in fact, I'm not really sure why you haven't. Perhaps I'm just not muse material. But I couldn't even write a pamphlet about you._

_That's not okay, it's just not._

_You'll wish you had been here to stop me. _

_Don't._

_You couldn't have stopped me even if you were here. _

_This is what I want, to be free from all of this._

_Goodbye, Richard._

* * *

She didn't even sign her name. The woman wrote a goodbye letter, her final words, and she didn't sign her name or any form of endearment for the man she married and had a child with.

Without ever knowing the woman who wrote this letter, Kate still finds herself imagining her, feeling the pain that she was feeling. And her heart breaks for everyone involved. She can't imagine Rick reading this, doesn't think she could bear to watch him break apart the way she knows he did, because the way he's gripping her hand gives her a small look into the past and it's enough, it's all she needs to know.

She carefully folds the letter and releases Rick's hand to place it back in the box and close the lid. Somehow she knows that the less contact he has with it the better things will be, but she has no doubt that he knows every word of it by heart.

When she comes back to the bed she doesn't sit beside him, she doesn't climb into his lap and try to initiate something that she knows won't help him nearly as much as it does her. Instead, she drapes herself over him, wraps her arms around his shoulders and pulls him against her. It's slightly uncomfortable, but she stays like that until he melts in to her and she feels the released sigh of his held breath, hot and heavy against her skin.

* * *

He's quiet and awkward when he finally eases away from her and Kate finds herself scrambling for the right words, for any words.

"You can let it out, you know. Any of it, all of it. If there's something you need to talk about, something you need to say, I'm here."

Rick takes a deep breath, releases it with some sort of pained sounds that's both pitiful and heart wrenching.

"I don't know what to say. I don't know where to start. I just want to stop feeling the way that I do every time I think about what Meredith wrote, every time I think about our daughter finding her lifeless body while I wasn't here, because I was never here!"

Kate reclaims her spot beside him on the bed, but turns her body towards him and folds her legs underneath her. She doesn't take his hand this time, but rests her open palm against his knee, gives him the option to take it if he needs it.

He does.

"Is that why you killed off Storm?" she asks, weary of the words even after she's spoken them because of the way his body stiffens.

"For the most part, yeah. How could I write that story after the things she said? How could I write that after what I caused?"

"Rick –"

"No," he shakes his head, cutting her off. "She was right, I did lose myself in that story and all of the people who inspired the characters. I made that series of books my world because they're the only things that I accomplished that felt worthwhile."

"What about your daughter, your marriage, your other books? Those things didn't bring the same feeling. They don't matter as much?"

The soft lines of his face harden under the pressure of her questions and she notices but she doesn't back off, because they said they would push each other and if he wants her to back off then he needs to tell her with his words.

"Rick?" she questions when he remains stiff and silent.

"Yes! Okay, yes, those things matter. But not in the same way, not when my choices caused this mess. You don't understand. No one will ever understand the difference that writing Derrick Storm made in my life."

She's not letting him off that easy, so she tightens he grip on his hand, leans in until he's forced to look at her or move away.

He chooses to look at her. Smart man.

"You're right. I'm sure no one understands that, but how can you expect me to if you won't tell me why or give me a chance to understand?"

"I—it's not…it's just too soon. I can't do this right now," he shakes his head, wide, broken pools of blue begging her to let it go for now.

"Okay," she agrees, pulling her hand away from his and standing.

"Kate?" he questions, uneasiness creeping into his tone and she knows what he's thinking, knows he's afraid that at any minute she'll decide she doesn't want to do this anymore.

"I'm not going anywhere, Rick. You've opened up to me a lot this morning and I appreciate that enough to not push you when you can't handle anymore. Baby steps, okay?"

He comes for her, backing her against the door with the press of his body.

Kate laughs, winds her arms around the broad expanse of his shoulders and holds him against her.

"Thank you," he breathes against her neck, sending goose bumps over every inch of skin that his breath reaches.

"You don't have to thank me," she whispers, gasping when his hands slips low beneath the waist of her pants.

"Are you sure about that?" he asks, squeezing the twin mounds of her backside deliciously in the palms of his hands.

"Well, if that's the kind of thanking you want to do, I'm not objecting, but won't your daughter be wondering why you're hold up in your room?"

He sighs, practically groans his disappointment in her ear as he slides his hands back up her body.

"I need to go tell her that today is going to go a little differently than usual."

Kate nods her understanding, leaning in to press her lips against his in a hard, suggestive kiss.

"Kate," he groans, hips snapping forward against hers.

"Later, Rick. I'm not going anywhere right now. Go talk to your kid."

He reluctantly lets her step away, but chases right behind her as she turns to open the door for him.

"How can you not be having second thoughts after what you read?" he asks, just before she turns the knob.

She turns back, circles her arms around him one more time.

"I could lie and say that I'm not scared, but I won't do that. I'm not good at this stuff, Rick. I never have been. But I want to be here with you, if I didn't I would have already left. I don't really understand all of the things that Meredith wrote in her letter, but I won't base my opinion of you on what someone else thought. You deserve more than that. So I'll learn you on my own terms. It terrifies me how much I want you, but I do."

He smirks, presses a chaste kiss against her lips and lets her turn back around so that she can open the door.

"I want you, too," he breathes against her neck, and the shiver that wracks her body tells him all he needs to know.

* * *

Alexis is already seated at the bar when he walks into the kitchen and Rick sees the sadness draped over the young girl.

"Hey, Pumpkin," he greets, offering his daughter a beaming smile that hides the darkness that has plagued his morning.

"Hi, dad," the young girl replies, returning his smile.

"I know today's a hard day, so I thought maybe having someone spend it with us would make it better."

"Dad, Gram isn't in town, she can't spend the day with us."

"That's actually not who I meant. I've been seeing someone, she spent the night here last night. And I want her to spend the day with us."

The young girls face hardens, a mirror image of the way her father's does.

"Really, dad, another fling with a woman you don't care about? I thought you were over doing things like that."

"This is not a fling and I don't have to explain myself to you. Kate is different, I've never met anyone like her."

"Well, you can spend the day with Kate, but I don't want any part of it," Alexis bites before she storms out of his office and up the stairs.

* * *

And Kate isn't surprised when the harsh whispers of the young red-head filter through the open spaces where the bookshelves line the walls between Castle's office and bedroom. The girl doesn't want her there, doesn't want to share the day that her mother chose to take her own life with a stranger that she's never met before. And who could blame her really?

Kate's not really sure what she's even doing there. Playing house with a man that she's quickly falling for but hardly knows is not something she's programmed for. He needs to spend this day with his daughter, and he needs to do it without her there.

She promised to be there for him the same he was for her, but there's a difference in their situations. He has a daughter, and that's who he should be spending this day with.

So she waits until his footsteps descend up the stairs after his daughter and then she solves the problem for him. She collects her things and slips out of his room and out the front door, unnoticed.

But god, it hurts to leave, hurts to walk away from someone that she just agreed to try a relationship with. And each step closer to the elevator and further away from him brings an ache that she's not used to feeling.

It's for the best though. His daughter needs him more, the young girl made that perfectly clear with her tone of her words.

She'll send him a text to let him know where she's gone and he'll come and find her later, when his daughter is comforted and this painful day is almost over. And that's when she'll be there for him, that's when they'll figure out how they're even going to make a relationship work.

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: I apologize again for the wait on this. This story is loosely based off of some real life experiences, so I have to pace myself. If you follow me on tumblr (my name is the same as here) I put up a note about why I'm writing this. If not, I'll just tell you that my uncle committed suicide a little over 2 years ago and his daughter is the one who found him. Thank you for allowing me to write this journey and for taking it with me.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

* * *

**Chapter 11**

Kate barely makes it to her car before her feelings overwhelm her, sensory overload stealing the breath from her lungs, even as she tries to heave it in. She slumps back against the door of her car, clutches at her chest where the rhythmic pounding of her heart threatens to rip it open.

She promised not to leave him, promised not to let him face this day alone, but he's not really alone. His daughter made it clear that she doesn't want anything to do with her and she's not going to drive the girl away from her father on one of the days that she needs him the most.

But getting in her car and driving away from everything that Castle told her this morning, from every bit of progress they've made seems like more steps back and this is what she always does, but she finds herself not wanting to do it any longer.

She forces herself to turn around, breathes deeply with each step forward until she's back in the elevator, pressing the button to his floor.

* * *

Castle must have realized she was gone already because he's in the hallway when the elevator doors slide open and the moment she steps out, nervousness flares throughout her body.

"Kate," he breathes, hurrying to the place where she stands awkwardly in the hallway.

Her cheeks flush, shoulders shrugging as she steps up to him, lifts a tentative hand to his arm.

"I thought you left," he whispers, fierce, blue pools searching her own as he takes in her demeanor.

"I did," she admits, dropping her eyes to the floor. "I know Alexis doesn't want me here and I thought it would just be easier for everyone if I left you alone. I was going to send you a text, let you know why I left."

"You left," he repeats, and she lifts her head so that she can see his face again.

"Not for good, just…"

"Kate, if this is too much for you, you can tell me," he sighs, reaching a hand out to trace a finger over her cheek.

"No, Rick. It's—well, I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment, but it's because of what I'm feeling…for you," she confesses.

He grins at her, leaning in to press his lips against hers in a soft, tender kiss.

"Thank you for coming back," he says, pulling her closer so that he can rest his hands on her hips.

"I got to the car and I couldn't go any further, not without talking to you first. I promised not to leave you," she reminds him.

"I want you here, Kate. Please come back inside with me."

"But Alexis…"

"Alexis will get over her little outburst and be fine. She's always had me on this day, but I've never had anyone. Well, not an adult at least. She needs to understand that I can't keep bottling up how I feel."

Kate nods, letting him lead her back into the loft.

* * *

Castle makes them breakfast, refusing to let Kate help even when she pouts at him. He places a plate of pancakes in front of her, smirks as he leans in to brush his lips across her cheek.

"You know what they say about pancakes, right?" he husks, gripping her hips when she shivers.

"What's that?" she asks, though her tone indicates her difficulty in forming words.

"They're a way to say, 'Thank you for last night'," he whispers in her ear, letting the tip of his tongue swirl against her lobe before he pulls away, slipping back around the counter before she can reach for him.

Kate glares at him, rolling her shoulders as she resettles herself on her stool.

"And here I thought you of all people would have a different way of thanking me for last night," she teases.

"That will come later," he assures her, piling another stack of pancakes onto a plate.

She shivers again, imagining his hands roaming her body.

"I'm going to take these up to Alexis, I'll be right back," he says, shaking her from the dirty thoughts that seem to constantly plague her mind when he's in near proximity to her.

* * *

He's gone for a little longer than it should take to deliver some pancakes so he must be telling Alexis that she's still there. Insecurity sets in, weaving doubts through her mind until she's once again second guessing being there, but before she can let those doubts make another decision for her, Castle comes back into the room, offering her an apology in the form of a smile.

"You okay?" he asks, when the press of his lips to her cheek gets no reaction from her.

"Yeah. Yeah, sorry," she assures him, shaking her head to clear her thoughts.

"Kate," he sighs, reaching for her hand as he swivels the stool she's seated on so that her body is fully facing him. "I may not have known you for very long, but I can tell when something is bothering you. Besides the fact that you get really quiet, you do this adorable little lip bite that I'm not even sure you're aware of."

He gets a smile for that comment, a slight lift of her lips before she frowns again.

"Tell me," he urges, resting their joined hands on her thigh as he waits for her to speak.

She huffs, bites her lip again and whether it's purely unintentional or for his benefit is unclear.

"I just hate that I'm already putting a strain on your relationship with your daughter. We just decided to try this thing with us this morning and Alexis already hates me."

"She doesn't hate you, Kate. She hasn't even met you yet," he reassures, squeezing her hand.

"Well, you know I'm a real ray of sunshine when meeting people for the first time," she teases, but there's a hint of insecurity in her voice that he doesn't miss.

"Hey, you caught my attention. And it wasn't just because you're insanely hot," he adds, waggling his eyebrows at her suggestively which earns him an eye roll.

Castle releases his grip on her hand so that he can place both hands on her upper thighs and then he leans in until she's forced to angle her body back against the counter, letting her legs drop apart so that he can step between them.

His mouth is hot and insistent against hers, tongue forcing her lips apart almost immediately and slipping inside to suggest just how hot he thinks she is. As if she doesn't know.

Kate gets lost in the feel of him, surrounding her, deliciously invading her mouth, until she remembers where they are and the fact that they aren't alone.

She pushes on his chest, failing to hide her whimper of disappointment when their lips separate and the heat of his body is replaced by a chill.

"Sorry," he apologizes. "I got carried away."

"Yeah, me too. Later?" she asks, tracing her finger down his chest as she quirks an eyebrow at him.

"Definitely," he agrees.

* * *

Kate helps him clean up their breakfast plates, smiling at the way they settle into a comfortable conversation. But his daughter still doesn't make an appearance and she can't help wondering what he said to the girl when he took her breakfast to her.

Castle slips into his bedroom after they've finished and she follows after him, easing the door shut behind her for added privacy.

"Rick, is Alexis okay?" she asks, watching as he pulls some clothes from his dresser.

"She's about like she usually is on this day. Please don't let her reaction to you being here keep bothering you. Like I said, she hasn't even met you yet, her behavior is based on this day, not you."

He glances at her as he moves to another drawer, waits for her nod before he continues what he's doing.

"What do you usually do on this day?" she asks, hesitantly.

He comes to where she's standing at the foot of the bed, motions for her to sit beside him.

"We usually just spend it together. I try my best to keep our minds off of it. But the older Alexis gets the harder it is. I can't bring her mother back and I can't replace that emptiness in her life. I just wish that I could erase the image of her lifeless mother from her mind. She just—she doesn't deserve that."

"It's not your fault, Rick. You can't blame yourself for that."

"But I do. If I had been more involved, if I had seen the signs…"

"Stop," she cuts him off, unable to listen to the blame he places on himself. "You made some mistakes, you lost yourself for a while, we all do that at some point. But as far as stopping Meredith? You can't keep playing 'what if' for that scenario, Rick. More often than not when someone wants to commit suicide, they're going to do it and no one is going to stop them. She purposely picked a time when you weren't here. She didn't want you to stop her."

"She didn't even give me a chance to change," he murmurs, shaking his head as devastation distorts his handsome features into the agony that he carries around.

"Rick, I didn't know Meredith, but from what I know of you? You're not a bad person. And forgive me for speaking ill of the dead, but it was extremely selfish of her to not give you a chance to make things better. I'm sure that this has been unbearable for you, but I get the feeling you're putting Meredith on a pedestal that she doesn't quite deserve."

Something flashes in his eyes that she doesn't quite recognize, a look that she can't decipher, and she's not sure if she has crossed a line or not.

"It's just easier to blame myself, okay? That's what everyone else did, so I figured I should just join the crowd." He shrugs as is it's no big deal, directs his gaze to the other side of the room.

"Rick," she sighs, slides her fingers under his jaw so that she can turn his face back towards her. "There's something you're not telling me, what else happened?"

"They waited outside the cemetery, watched and followed everywhere I went."

"Who?" she questions, not yet following him.

"People, fans, Meredith's family. The media got the story all wrong, and we tried our best to hide the real cause of Meredith's death, but it leaked out somehow and they ran with it. For the first few years after her death, Alexis and I couldn't even go to the cemetery because they were always waiting, always shouting angry words about how I drove my wife to kill herself."

Her eyes widen as he speaks, the utter shock of how people treated him causing her to shudder. She doesn't remember any of that, doesn't remember hearing about it on the news, but then again, she wasn't really in the best of places at the time.

"You couldn't even…that's so terrible. I'm so sorry you've had to endure so much," she whispers, curling her arms around his own and resting her chin on his shoulder.

"You've endured a lot too, Kate," he states, pressing a tender kiss against her forehead.

"Our stories are completely different though. Losing someone you love is hard, it takes the life out of you if you let it. But the aftermath is almost worse. I've never found the person who killed my mother and that's hard, but it's the thing that has driven me to continue forward. You lost your wife in one of the most terrible ways, and what you've had to deal with, what you're dealing with now, it's not okay, Rick. Things like this are what keep us from finding our happiness again. Blaming yourself for something that's not your fault, it's robbing you of so many things."

"But I don't even know where to start. I don't know how to let these feelings go."

"Maybe you start by letting out the anger that you're carrying around," she suggests, offering him a small smile.

"But the person I'm angry at is no longer here," he chokes out, the mix of anger and emotions clogging his throat.

"So maybe you start by going to cemetery. Tell Meredith how you feel, let all of the things you've been carrying out, set them free and I think when you're done, you'll realize that you've set yourself free as well."

"I…will you come with me?" he asks, closing his eyes as if he expects her to say no.

She presses her body against his side, brushes a barely there kiss to his cheek and when his eyes flutter open, she pulls him down to her, lets her lips slide over his in the most tender answer he's ever received.

"Of course I will," she breathes, smiling so brightly at him that he's forced to smile back. "And if anyone even thinks about showing up and harassing you, they'll have me to deal with."

"Is this one of the perks of dating a cop?" he asks, pulling her into his arms once they've both risen from the bed.

She momentarily freezes when he mentions the word dating, her body going stiff and rigid in his arms. But she finds his eyes, lets the sea of blue calm her and reminds herself that she wants this, she wants him.

"You okay?" he asks, eyes searching hers as concern writes itself across his face.

"Yes," she assures him. "I think right now, I'm better than I've ever been."

His smile is real, painting his weary features with light and hope. He kisses her, sips from the well of her mouth until her support becomes his strength.

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I apologize again for the delay. I've never had to pause so many times to take a deep breath and regroup while writing a story before. But then again, I've never written this particular part of my own life into a fic before either. Thank you so much for your continued patience and support. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

* * *

**Chapter 12**

Making the decision to go to the cemetery proves to be relatively easier than actually carrying out the process. Kate's declaration had led to a fifteen minute make-out session in the middle of the bed and now, almost five minutes later, Castle sits frozen in the center of the mattress looking more like a hopeless little boy than the grown man that he is.

It takes soft movements that both soothe and reassure for Kate to coax him to the end of the bed and then she's reaching for his shirt, sliding it over his head and not once can she recall undressing a man for the sole purpose of re-dressing him, but that's exactly what she does.

She tosses his shirt to the floor, rises to her knees as her hands trace over the muscular ridges of his back. She can't resist touching her lips to his bare skin and each press of them begins to heal an invisible wound, each connection sinking deeper until it's rushing through his veins and the light that's been nearly extinguished since she met him, flares to life once more.

Kate slides the red t-shirt he's selected over his head, waits patiently while he slips his arms through the holes. The sleeves hug his upper arms snuggly, each tailored muscle rippling beneath it and he may have admitted that he's been slacking in the weight lifting department, but he shows no signs of it.

One last press of her lips to the side of his mouth and she's nudging his hip, urging him up from the bed and then suppressing the urge to tackle him back onto it and have her way with him when he hooks his thumbs in his pajama pants and shoves them to the floor.

* * *

When he's finally dressed she takes his hand, leads him from the room with the most confidence she's ever had. She halts their progress in front of the couch, nods her head towards the stairs and ignores the pounding rhythm of her heart.

Castle calls for Alexis as he eases them both down on the couch, reaching for Kate's hand and squeezing for reassurance just as the young red head appears at the bottom of the stairs. Alexis is quiet, observant and though the tension rolls heavily through the room, the young girl seems more open to the situation she's being presented with.

"Alexis," Castle starts, motioning for her to take a seat. Once she's settled in front of them he continues. "I know today has gone a little differently. We usually do whatever we can to pull ourselves through this day and be done with it. But sometimes things need to change in order for us to move forward."

He turns his body slightly when he's finished talking, bringing Kate into the conversation. "I'd like you to meet Kate."

Knowing that this is her only chance to gain the girls approval, Kate releases Castle's hand so that she can lean around him and reach out to the young girl.

"Alexis, it's a pleasure to meet you. Thank you for sharing your dad with me today."

She's almost surprised when a small smile flits over the young girls face and little more of the stressed tension begins to ease away. Kate takes it as her chance to continue, feeling that Alexis will respect her more if she takes the lead.

"Your dad and I are going to the cemetery. Would you like to come with us?"

Something like anger flashes in the ice blue pools and then Alexis is turning her attention to her father. But before she can say anything Castle cuts in.

"I know we haven't been for a few years, pumpkin, but this is something that I need to do. I can't keep living my life the way I have been, you said so yourself. I want to be a better man, a better dad."

Alexis rushes forward, throwing her arms around Castle's neck and the first words of her reply are a bit muffled.

"Daddy, I didn't mean what I said before. I mean, I know you've been having a hard time, but you're an amazing dad. If you're only doing this because of me…"

"This isn't because of that, sweetie," Castle reassures as he eases his daughter away from him. "You were right though. I'm stuck in this rut and if I don't do this, I'll never be able to move forward, to let go in the way that I need to."

Alexis nods, glancing back and forth between Castle and Kate before she seems to really accept Castle's reasoning for going to the cemetery.

"But what if it turns out like all of the other times we went? What if they start harassing you again? I know that you feel guilty because I'm the one who found mom, but it wasn't your fault, dad. I don't want you to get hurt anymore."

For a brief moment the entire room freezes and Kate is the first to recover, sliding her hand up Castle's back to encourage him to say something. When he finally does, he finds a way around the words that Kate knows he's having a hard time with.

"There are a lot of things that are my fault. I need to accept that and then try to move on. As far as harassment goes, that's where Kate comes in. There's no guarantee that people won't be there waiting for us to show up, but Kate's a cop. She can handle it for us."

Alexis considers everything she's been told before standing and embracing both adults in a hug that takes Kate entirely by surprise.

"I'm glad that you want to do this, daddy," she says as she pulls away, offering Kate another, more genuine smile. "But I've made my peace with mom's death. She didn't want to be a part of our lives any longer and yeah, it hurts, but I can't change anything about it. I think this is something you need to do on your own, without me there and I feel better about it knowing that Kate will be with you."

Alexis hugs her father one more time, mouthing the words 'thank you' to Kate before she moves towards the stairs again. And with a promise to have dinner with them later, she disappears back up the stairs.

* * *

"Wow," Castle breathes, releasing a heavy, relieved sigh as he turns towards Kate. "You were awesome with her."

"I just wanted her to know that the last thing I want to do is come between the two of you or take you away from her."

He leans in to plant a smacking kiss against her cheek, earning a half-hearted eye roll before she pulls him up off the couch.

"You ready for this?" she asks, returning his sentiment by pressing her own, softer kiss to his cheek and leaning into his side as they walk towards the door.

"No," he admits, shrugging when she pauses in the doorway to look at him. "But I have you, and knowing that makes me feel like I could do just about anything."

Kate stops him just before they reach the elevator, smearing her lips against his in a kiss that promises so much more than she's ever been willing to give before.

* * *

The ride to the cemetery is quiet, a weight of grief and pain settling over the space in the back of the car. Kate doesn't press him to talk, the warm press of her palm resting on his knee enough to remind him that she's there for whatever he needs.

He's stiff when they get out of the car in front of a large row of colorfully decorated plots and Kate can feel the rapid beating of his heart when Castle presses his hand tightly against her own, his pulse thumping an erratic rhythm against her skin.

She wants to take the lead, wants to guide him through this, but she has no idea where to go, so she scopes out the scene around them, looks for anyone that might give them some trouble.

She feels as much as hears when he takes a deep breath and then he's moving, pulling her along with him as he dodges headstones, weaving along a crooked path all while never letting go of her hand. And finally, they come to a stop in front of a large willow tree, its beautiful branches hanging low, forming a private sanctuary around the large plot that rests next to the trunk.

Kate takes a deep breath of her own as Castle parts the branches, allowing them entry into the leafy tent. She has no idea what to expect from him, no idea what to do to help him other than stand by his side.

When he drops to his knees in front of the beautifully engraved granite, he never lets go of her hand, but Kate suddenly wonders if she should excuse herself for this part of it. She can't help thinking that her place would be better served standing guard a few feet away while Castle says the things he's been holding in.

Making the decision for both of them, she leans down over his shoulder, brushes a kiss to his cheek and untangles their fingers.

"I'm just going to give you a little bit of privacy, check and make sure no one is lurking nearby. I'll only be a few feet away if you need me, okay?"

The look he gives her verges on panicked but to her surprise he nods, watching her as she slowly backs away. And then she's standing on the outside, closing her eyes and praying to whoever is listening that Castle can start to move forward.

* * *

Kate takes her time examining the perimeter of the area, closely watching the few other people that are moving through the cemetery, but to her relief none of them seem to have any purpose other than visiting their deceased loved ones.

She makes one final round before ascending the small hill that leads back to the large willow tree, but the moment she's in ear-shot of what Castle is saying, the moment his words become clear, she stands frozen in her tracks, unable to do anything but listen.

"I think nine years is long enough to carry the burden that I have, Meredith. I loved you. Maybe not in the way that I'm capable of loving now because we were younger then, but I loved you in the best way that I knew how. And how did you return that love, that commitment to you? You brought your director into our house and slept with him while I was at work and our daughter was asleep in her room. I've beaten myself up all these years for not being there for you, for not noticing that you were spiraling so far out of control, but I'm not going to do it any longer. You threw away what we had long before you ever thought about taking your life. What you did was selfish, because no man should be expected to stay with a woman after the things you put me through and yet I did exactly that. And then to take your life, knowing that our daughter would be the one to find you first? I can't even find words to justify that for you, because there are none. You broke my heart twice because I let you and you know what? I'm tired of continuing to let you hold that kind of power over me when you're no longer here. I'm done with this. I'm done living under a cloud of grief. I'm done asking myself over and over again why you didn't love me."

She hears his voice break with those final words and then she's pretty sure that he says something else, but the words are muffled, choked out as if they're one final blow to the enemy in a hard fought battle.

Kate steps cautiously back through the wall of branches, keeping her distance because she's not sure how receptive he'll be to her while he's finally allowing so many pent up emotions to take over. But a branch crack under her feet with her next step and she stiffens, cringing as his soft sobs suddenly cease.

Castle doesn't turn to her, doesn't lift his head or motion her over. Instead, he does the only thing he can manage. He chokes out one word.

"Kate."

And it's enough to both break her heart and have her moving back to his side so that she can drop to her knees and wrap him in her arms.

He's a large man, broad shoulders barely fitting into the embrace of her slender frame, but she holds him against her, presses tender kisses to his temple until the tears have been spent and he's leaning heavily against her.

Kate almost thinks he's fallen asleep until he takes a deep breath, lifting his head from her chest and cringing at the darkened spot on her blouse where his tears stained the material. She brushes it off, lifting her hands to frame is puffy face.

"How do you feel?" she asks, waiting patiently for his response.

"Like a part of the weight that I've been carrying has been lifted. It hurts. God, it hurts so much. But I can already tell that it's the beginning of healing," he says, offering her a genuine smile before some of the cloudiness returns to his eyes.

"How much did you hear?" he asks, casting his gaze down at the grass as if he's unprepared for her answer.

She drops her hands back to her lap, a sigh falling from her lips before she answers.

"Um, I'm not sure. I walked the perimeter of this area before I came back, I wanted to give you as much privacy as possible."

"That last part though, you heard most of it?" He lifts his eyes, finding hers even as the emotions swim in his own.

"I did," she admits, preparing an apology almost immediately but he shakes his head as if he already knows what she's going to say.

"It's okay, Kate. I wanted you here, remember?"

"I didn't want you to think I was eavesdropping," she shrugs, unsure of where to take the conversation.

"I wouldn't have brought you with me if there were things I didn't want you to hear. You were right. I was putting Meredith on a pedestal and I think that was the biggest part of my problem."

"She cheated on you?" she blurts out, sucking in a breath even as she's unable to stop the words from leaving her mouth.

Castle never hesitates though, honesty writing itself on every inch of his face.

"Yes. Alexis wasn't even two yet. I had a meeting at Black Pawn so I was gone for most of the day. When I came home, Alexis was asleep in her crib, but Meredith was so preoccupied with her director in our bed, I doubt she would have even bothered to check on our child."

"I'm so sorry, Rick. You didn't deserve that and she didn't deserve you. You know that right?"

He nods, reaching for her hands as he rises to his knees. "I think I'm finally getting to a place where I'm able to accept that."

"Well, I'm here to remind you if you start to doubt it," she says, rising onto her own knees so that she can kiss him, another sealed promise that she intends to keep.

"I think I'm done here," he says, brushing a final kiss to her lips before he pushes himself up from the ground, helping her up with him.

She links their hands, sliding her slender fingers into the spaces between his own larger ones as if they were made to fit together, two pieces of a puzzle finally finding their home.

* * *

No words are spoken on the drive back home, but it's lighter, easier. Castle never lets go of her hand except for the brief moment when they get out of the car. It's as if their link, their connection, continues to give him the strength to move forward.

And it's the first time in Kate's life that she's been a beacon of hope for someone. The first time since her mother was murdered and her father gave in to the bottle that she sees a future full of light overcoming the darkness that has been swallowing her.

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: You all know the drill already, but I do apologize again for the delay. I'm not sure how much longer we'll be taking this little AU journey but I'll give you a heads up when it's coming to an end! Hope you're still enjoying! **

**Huge thank you to Ally for the quick beta on this!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

* * *

**Chapter 13**

Alexis has dinner ready when they walk in the loft. The aroma of garlic and vegetables a welcome greeting when they open the door. The girl offers them a bright smile as she carries three plates over to the table and starts dishing out the vegetable marinara onto each one.

Through the entire course of the meal Kate finds herself zoning out, lost in thoughts of how she ended up here, in a relationship with a man she can't get out of her system and having dinner with him and his daughter.

Kate makes polite conversation, joins in when she's prompted to, exhaling a deep sigh of relief when the dinner ends and Alexis still seems okay with the fact that she's there. The teen offers to clean up the kitchen, pushing Castle out even when he tries to help her, and Kate makes a mental note of how grown up and caring the girl really is.

She slips into Castle's bedroom to check her voicemail knowing that he'll follow behind her soon enough even as she hears him promising Alexis that he'll be upstairs in a little while. And she can't help but think that it might be her cue to leave.

* * *

She deletes her final message, a reminder from her captain that she has a meeting bright and early in the morning, just as she hears Castle's footsteps and feels his arms sliding around her waist. A smile blooms across her face so fast that if she was watching from the outside, she wouldn't recognize the person she is now in comparison to who she was only a few weeks ago.

She drops her phone softly onto the bedside table before turning in his arms and lifting her own to drape around his neck.

"Dinner was wonderful," she murmurs, pressing a soft kiss against his cheek and then another and another until she's hovering at the edge of his lips. "Your kid is amazing, you've done a great job raising her," she says, pausing her ministrations to make sure he knows how much she means it.

"To her credit, she practically raised herself. I lucked out, she's a great kid," he says, pressing a chaste kiss against Kate's lips just because he can.

"She's been pretty patient with me today, I was just thinking that maybe I should leave now and let her have some time with you," she says with a shrug of her shoulders, keeping her tone light and suggestive so that he doesn't think she's trying to run away.

"No, Kate. I don't want you to leave, unless…unless that's what you want."

"Rick, you know that's not how I meant it. We both knew that I'd be leaving at some point today. I have to work tomorrow," she clarifies, dipping her head to catch his eyes because in his moment of doubt he has looked away from her.

"I just…I'm not ready to let you go yet. Stay tonight, please? I promise I'll let you leave in plenty of time to get to work tomorrow," he says, pleading with her in so many more ways than his words.

She hesitates, wanting to stay but torn because this thing with them is so good right now, but maybe they're putting too much pressure on it. Her decision comes down to the fact that she knows he needs her, needs the comfort that she apparently brings him because this day of horrible memoires isn't over for him.

"Okay, I'll stay. But just tonight, I have to go back to my place after work tomorrow."

He nods, a wide smile spreading over his face, and he pulls her closer, kisses her lips over and over for as long as she lets him.

She pushes on his chest after a few minutes before he can escalate the kiss to something more. His confusion and pout are equally adorable and she brushes her hand through the loose hairs on his forehead.

"I heard you tell Alexis that you'd be up in a little while. So, why don't I go take a bath, and you can go do your thing?"

"Okay, but I might be a little while," he says, coming for her again but frowning when she steps out of his reach.

"Take all the time you need. I'll be fine until you get back. Besides, your bath is heavenly," she winks, sauntering towards the bathroom as he stands there staring.

"Rick, staring is creepy, go talk to your daughter," she calls out once she's in the bathroom, peeking her head out the door to see him still standing there. Her tongue is trapped between her teeth; the playful grin on her face making her even more beautiful than usual, so much so that she sees the internal battle he faces before he finally forces himself to go upstairs.

* * *

Kate's bath is exactly as she said, heavenly. Water that verges just on the line of too hot, relaxing every inch of her body as she slides into it. The bath salts she found under the sink add a hint of something tropical that overwhelms her senses in all the good ways, and her eyes slip closed to enjoy the moment.

Falling asleep wasn't her intention, but the soft, warm weight of a hand to her shoulder rouses her. Sleepy, hazel eyes flutter open, blinking a few times before she can really focus on her surroundings. Castle has dimmed the lights and lit some candles, giving the room a soft glow, as if they're watching the sunset somewhere far away.

She rewards his efforts with a lazy smile, a shiver running through her body when she shifts and realizes that the water is just on the cold side of lukewarm. Castle chuckles, reaching out his hand to help her up and then he's holding a large, sinfully soft towel out for her to step into.

"Thank you," she hums when her body is fully wrapped in the warmth of the towel. "I didn't mean to fall asleep, but that was exactly what I needed."

"Hmm, and I thought I was what you needed," he pouts, enjoying the half-hearted eye roll she gives him.

"No, but seriously, I didn't mean to leave you alone for that long. Thank you for being so awesome about everything today. You've really blown my mind," he says, leaning in to press a soft kiss against her lips.

Nothing about the kiss is suggestive, but the way his hand slides down her back, the way he surrounds her, sends arousal flaring through her bloodstream and she can't stop the dirty sigh that falls from her lips, directly into his mouth.

"Kate," he husks, his breath hot against the side of her mouth as he pulls back to look at her.

She watches the cerulean blue of his eyes darken to a deep midnight, though she knows they'll be almost black by the time she has his naked back pressed to the mattress. She loosens her hold on the towel and with one, naughty shimmy of her hips, it slides down her body and pools at her feet.

"Come on, Castle," she sing-songs as she saunters by him, her pointer finger trailing over his chest before crooking in a come-hither motion. "There's something else I want to 'blow' your mind with," she purrs, making sure he catches her emphasis on the word blow.

He's on her before she's even half way into the bedroom, causing her to stumble and then catching her by the waist even as they both collapse onto the bed, their laughter filling the room. And it's such a dramatic difference in the way they woke up this morning, in the mood of two completely broken people, there's no doubt in either of their minds that there's healing in their connection.

It only takes one heated look from Kate after the laughing has ceased for Castle to 'spring' to action, pinning her beneath him as his lips pay proper appreciation to her succulent skin.

Kate growls, yes, growls at him, seconds before her leg is around his waist and she's flipping them over.

"I'm in charge right now," she bites, all commanding authority that Castle doesn't dare protest.

She's like a goddess as she rises over him, determination and confidence emitting from every inch of her, flashing hotly in her hazel orbs. She slides her hands under his t-shirt, pushes it up until it bunches at his chest and then she touches her lips to his skin and it's like a flame to a match, igniting a fire that only she can put out. And Castle knows she will.

She only pauses long enough to assist him in pulling the shirt over his head and then she's moving down his body, down, down, down until she's kneeling between his legs, nimble fingers making quick work of the button on his pants. They come off so fast that he barely has time to blink once.

Her eyes blaze, a hunger burning bright as if she's a huntress, ready to take down her prey.

He has no idea when his boxers came off, but he could care less when her lips press against the tip of his cock, her tongue swirling, teasing, until he's ready to beg, and then she takes him fully into her mouth and he forgets everything except her name.

* * *

It feels like hours have passed when he forces his eyes to open, finally able to feel his limbs again. He doesn't see her right away, has to turn his head to find her.

Kate's turned on her side, facing him, a few feet away, her body posed in such a way that he'd think she was a model if he didn't know her true profession. She stretches as his eyes roam her body, offering him the perfect view of her assets and just how ready she is for the favor he's about to return.

He rolls towards her, pulls her flush against his body the moment he's close enough, and his lips find her neck. And he wants to continue the naughty dance she's established, but his mind takes over and the heated moment gives way to a quiet sentiment.

Kate notices the change in him immediately, his lips having paused against the dip of her collarbone. For a brief moment she thinks he'll pull away, waits for the reality of everything he's been through to take hold of him. But he remains where he is, his body flush against hers, his breath coasting across her skin.

She approaches the situation cautiously, considering her next move before she makes it. The last thing she wants to do is spark a downward spiral that will halt all progress they've made.

She brings her hands to his chest, pushes lightly to ease him away from her and holds back her sigh of relief when he goes willingly, his back hitting the mattress, allowing her to hover above him. She's not sure what she expected to find when she looks at him, but what she does is not even close.

His eyes are bluer than she's ever seen them, reverent in the way they watch her, roaming and taking her in as if it's the first time he's ever really seen her. And she sucks in a breath at that thought, because it's exactly what he's doing and it's almost too much for her.

"Rick…" she chokes out, unable to get her voice to cooperate the way she desperately wants it to.

He's still watching her, still observing, it's obvious in the way his eyes flash, something she hasn't seen before lingering there.

And then he seems to find his voice.

"I'm sorry," he soothes, reaching a hand out to caress the swell of her cheek where a soft blush has made an appearance.

Her eyes snap to his, confusion writing itself on her face until he clarifies.

"I didn't mean to change the mood, I just couldn't help it. I can't believe that I'm here with you right now."

Her eyes widen in surprise and she shakes her head as she swings a leg over his lap, lowering her body until every inch of space between them has vanished.

"Why do you say that?" she asks, her fingers smoothing the unruly strands of his hair away from his face.

"Because, Kate, look at you. You're gorgeous and the depths of your heart amaze me. A few weeks ago, I wasn't sure someone like you existed and then I met you and I thought I never stood a chance with you."

She offers him a shy smile, shrugging her shoulders as she finds his hands, tangles their fingers together, an anchor that grounds them from the spiraling feelings they're both having.

"Rick, you're an amazing man. I don't do this, I don't jump into relationships with men I barely know and feel the way you make me feel. I never plant both feet in the door. But this, right here with you, it's everything that I never knew I wanted and so much more. Please don't doubt yourself, this is real."

She lets her words sink in, her eyes searching his for several seconds and then she leans in, smears her lips over his again and again until he responds, until she's sure that he believes her.

And all thoughts of returning favors are forgotten the moment she rocks her hips against him and he hauls her even closer. The rest of the night is slow and passionate, healing and starting over, a new beginning for both of them.

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	14. Chapter 14

**Finally another update! I've outlined the rest of this story and as long as the words and characters stick with me, it will most likely end with 20 chapters total! Thanks so much for sticking with me on this journey!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or the characters used in this story.**

* * *

**Chapter 14**

Kate wakes an hour before she needs to leave, wrapped tightly in the arms of a man she's starting to care deeply for. She reaches for her phone, trying not to jostle him awake as she checks for any messages, and sighs happily at the fact that she doesn't have to rush off right away. She eases the phone back onto the table then slowly turns in his arms, her bare breasts brushing against the warm skin of his chest.

She can't stop the soft gasp that falls from her lips, her nipples forming into hard peaks, her body reacting almost immediately and she's suddenly thankful for the hour she has left with him.

She gently slips out of his embrace, easing the sheet down his body before swinging her leg over his hips and settling the warm apex of her thighs against his stomach. Her hands drift up and down his torso, her nails scraping lightly against his heated skin, until goosebumps form over every inch of him.

And then she rocks her hips, the slick heat of her brushing against him and he groans, his hands finding her thighs, gripping them tightly as his eyes flutter open.

"Mm, Kate. What time is it?" he slurs, his voice still heavy with sleep and it's adorable.

"It's early, but I have a little time before I have to leave and I want to…" She circles her hips again for emphasis, lets his cock fall directly between her legs, the tip of him pressing against her swollen clit.

"Fuck," he growls, his hands sliding up to her waist, helping her to rock against him in the rhythm she's established.

"How much time do we have?" he asks, hissing when her nails scrape over his pecks.

"Enough," she murmurs, lifting her hips and sinking down on him all in one quick move.

She stills when her thighs meet his, closing her eyes as she loses herself in the moment, her body thrumming with need. But Castle doesn't give her much time, wrapping an arm around her back as he flips them over, pressing her into the mattress.

He pulls almost all of the way out, thrusting deeply back into her one time as she stares up at him with wide eyes, her mouth falling open though no sound comes out.

"Come on, Kate. Be loud for me this morning. Don't hold back," he says, leaning down to press his lips against her neck, his tongue darting out to taste her.

He pulls out again, pausing just inside of her before pushing back in slowly, smirking when she sighs impatiently, a whimper falling from her lips.

"Castle…" she warns, her fingers threading through his hair.

"Yes, Kate?" he answers, as if he doesn't know exactly what she wants.

"Fuck me," she demands, pulling his face up to hers, her tongue tracing along her bottom lip as her eyes plead with him.

"Do you promise to be loud?" he asks, dipping his head until their lips are almost touching.

He rocks his hips, grips her thighs as he pushes in deeper than before.

"Oh god, yes. Yes, I'll be loud, just fuck me," she growls, her lips sealing over his as he starts to roughly thrust into her.

And then she gives herself completely to him, no holding back, letting the constant rock of his body pull every moan and whimper from her mouth.

* * *

He's still on his back, his chest heaving as he sucks in breaths when she slips out of the bed and starts gathering her clothes. Castle cracks an eye open, props his head up with his hands as he watches her.

"What would I have to do to persuade you to wake me up that way every morning?" he asks, smirking as he stares at her perfect backside.

"So you liked that?" she purrs, laughing as she locates the rest of her clothing.

"Are you kidding? If you don't know how much I enjoyed it then come over here and let me show you," he says, rolling onto his side so he can see her better.

"Nice try, but I have to go," she says wearily, coming over to the edge of the bed when he starts to pout.

"You could always take your shower here and then swing by your apartment for clothes," he suggests, waggling his eyebrows at her, his arm catching her around the waist and pulling her onto the bed.

"That would not be a good idea. I can't be late, I have a meeting this morning," she notes, shoving at his chest when he tries to pull her on top of him.

"Call in sick," he begs and though his tone suggests he's kidding, she knows he's only half joking.

She gives is for a moment, leaning the upper half of her body over him, cupping his face in her hands. "I can't call in, but I'll make it up to you later, okay?" she says, her thumb smoothing over the soft swell of his cheek.

"Does that mean you'll come back here when you get off?" he asks, his eyes hopeful as the search hers.

"I uh…Castle, I…" she pauses, fumbling over the words because of course she wants to spend time with him, but she doesn't want to rush things, doesn't want to jinx what they have.

"If you don't want to, I understand. You've been with me for two days, you probably need a break," he says, though the chuckle he lets out is obviously a mask for the hurt he's still hiding behind.

"Rick…of course I want to, we're in a relationship, remember? I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't mean it. I just don't want to ruin what we have. This is still so new and it's so good right now, I don't want to strain it," she says, pushing herself forward to plant a soft kiss against his lips.

"I'm sorry, you're right. I'm just not used to someone wanting me as much as I want them. I guess…that's something I need to work on. You deserve better than that."

"Hey," she soothes, pressing herself even closer to him. "We're working on it together. You are more than I deserve, okay?"

Castle only nods, not trusting his voice to answer, though his arms wrap tightly around her.

"I really need to go, but how about I text you when I'm leaving work and you can come over for dinner?" she suggests, her lips curving into a smile when his eyes light up.

"Yes, that sounds perfect," he says, his hand cupping the back of her head to draw her in for a goodbye kiss. And his lips against hers almost convince her to stay where she is, almost.

"I'll talk to you later," she calls softly from the bedroom doorway, allowing herself to linger a moment longer.

"I can't wait," he says, watching as she turns away, a smile permanently plastered to his face.

* * *

An hour later, after he's made breakfast for his daughter and sent her off to school, Castle finds himself in his office, fingers flying furiously over his keyboard, a story forming with each letter that he types and he can't seem to get it the page as fast as his mind is forming it.

He has five chapters typed by the time early evening rolls around and he realizes that he hasn't moved for hours. He finally finds a good stopping point, saving his work and shutting his laptop before setting it on the desk and going to take a shower.

He's just stepped out and wrapped a towel around his dripping body when he hears his phone ringing from the bedroom, so he tucks the corner in around his waist and hurries out to answer it.

"Castle," he answers, holding the phone to his ear as a smile lights up his face.

"Hey, Castle. How was your day?" she asks, though something in her voice seems off.

"Um…it was…really productive, actually," he answers, not quite ready to breach the subject of what he was actually doing yet. "How was yours? Is everything okay?"

"It was long and draining but that's the life of a detective. And yeah, everything's fine, Castle," she answers and he knows she doesn't mean be short with him, but everything about her tone screams that she's not fine.

"Well, you want me to come take your mind off of it?" he asks, genuinely.

"Actually, yes. That's exactly what I want," she says, her words almost a plea.

He almost expected her to say no, to back out on dinner and an evening with him, but the relief that washes through him when she says yes is instant. She's opening up more and more, and his heart swells with it, because she's not doing it for an easy out anymore, she's actually letting him in.

"I'll be right over and dinner's on me so just get comfortable and relax, okay?"

"Okay," she murmurs, not up to arguing when the thought of him brining dinner sounds so good.

Castle tosses the phone on the bed after she hangs up, draping his towel over the hamper before pulling out a pair of jeans and a navy blue t-shirt. He's dressed and ready within five minutes and calling his mother to ensure that she doesn't mind entertaining Alexis for the evening. He's already promised them both a weekend away at the Hamptons in a few weeks.

He grabs some take-out from a Thai restaurant about a block from her apartment, ordering more than they'll need just in case she needs some extra comfort food for whatever's going on with her.

* * *

Carefully cradling the food in one arm, he knocks lightly on her door, surprised when she answers almost immediately, though the forlorn look on her face makes his heart ache for her.

"Hey," he says softly, stepping past her to set the food on the counter before turning back around. She hesitates only a moment after shutting the door before she's hurrying over to him and falling into his open arms. And the moment he presses her tightly against the wall of his chest, he feels the tremble of her body, the wetness of her tears.

Castle holds her tighter, rubs his hands up and down her back, his chin resting on top of her head as he lets her get it all out. He wants to say something, but he's learned enough about her to know that letting her start the conversation tends to go much better.

He feels the deep breath she takes a few minutes later, and he eases his hold on her, lets her lift her head from his chest. Her eyes are red-rimmed and bloodshot, still watery from the lingering tears and she looks so much younger than what she really is.

"I'm sorry," she mumbles, swiping her hand across her cheeks to erase the trails of tears.

"Why are you apologizing?" he asks, reaching for her other hand, anchoring her.

"I invited you over to have dinner and spend time together, not to cry all over you the moment you got here," she says, shaking her head.

"Kate," he sighs, pulling her back against him and circling his hands low around her waist. "You can invite me over for anything you need, always. I'm here for you no matter what, okay?"

She nods, offering him a watery smile before leaning up to kiss him. "Thank you," she murmurs against his lips, lingering there for a little longer.

He lets her step away so that they can dish out their food, but curiosity gets the best of him when she remains oddly quiet.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks cautiously, passing her a fork.

He sees the way her shoulders tense, the way she momentarily freezes but tries to brush it off before he notices. She should know by now that she can't those things from him.

"I…I do, but not right now, please?" she pleads, diverting her eyes to the floor.

"Of course, Kate. Let's just eat and enjoy each other right now. You know I'm here whenever you're ready," he says, his hand brushing down her arm as he steps around her and walks into the living room, easing down on one side of the couch and propping his plate on his legs.

Kate sighs, taking a deep breath as she picks up her plate and joins him in the living room, sitting beside him on the couch. She struggles to find something to talk about, to pick up a light conversation when talking is the last thing she wants to do.

Castle picks up on it immediately, taking the lead on the conversation. "I'm going to take mother and Alexis to the Hamptons in a few weekends, I have a house up there and I'd love to take you to it sometime," he says, nudging her shoulder as he reaches for his glass of wine.

"Yeah, that sounds great," she says, picking through her food, finding that her appetite has mostly disappeared.

She sets her plate down on the table, the ceramic banging against the wood harder then she intended it to, and then she dips her head, sliding her hands under her trembling legs as she fights to maintain control of her emotions.

"Kate?" Castle questions, setting his own plate down beside hers as he angles his body towards her.

"Castle…" she whimpers, and it's all the encouragement he needs.

He wraps one arm around her back and the other under her legs, scooping her off of the couch and carrying her into the bedroom. She's limp against him, but the moment he lays her on the bed she's needy, reaching for him when he pulls away to discard his clothing.

"I'm not going anywhere," he assures her, tossing his shirt and quickly unbuttoning his pants. The moment he's naked he crawls onto the bed, hovering over her as she trembles beneath him. He almost hesitates when he starts to remove her clothes, questioning if this is what she really needs right now, but this is exactly how he ended up in her bed the first time.

Kate whimpers again, growing impatient as he hesitates so he shoves her t-shirt up her torso, helps her raise up so he can pull it over her head and toss it to the floor.

He makes quick work of her pants and panties, lowering his body over hers the second she's bare.

She wraps herself around him, pleas falling from her mouth as she begs him to make her forget.

And so he does, he wipes her mind of everything but him, everything but the way they fit perfectly together. But when he makes her fall apart, he doesn't hold back on his feelings, doesn't let her turn this into a way to escape her feelings. Instead, he makes her feel every pounding beat of her heart against the wall of her chest when he can no longer contain the words he feels.

"I love you, Kate."

* * *

_Thank you to Ally for the beta!_

_Would love to hear your thoughts! xo_


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I realize it has been a long time. I announced that I was no longer writing fanfiction at the end of May, but promised that I would finish this story, mainly because it's near to my heart. This and chapter 16 will be posted today and I'll have the last chapter and epilogue up this week. If you're still reading, great, enjoy the end. If not, well, I quit writing for this fandom for a reason.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, and I have mad respect for those that do. Way too much hate these days. **

* * *

**Chapter 15**

The air around them freezes, at least for Kate it does. Her lungs burn with the lack of oxygen but she can't force the air in, can't do anything but stare up at Castle, his words continuing to ring loudly in her ears as if they're a record on repeat. She's not entirely sure that she doesn't feel the same way, that these feelings she's developed for him aren't a love that she's never felt before, but her fragile heart has forced her to proceed with caution when it comes to love.

But it's clear from the look on Castle's face that he needs more than a reaction from her, that her words are going to either make or break them. She swallows hard, willing her racing heart to slow, lifting her hands to grip Castle's arms as she tries to find the words and force them out.

"You love me?" she asks finally, the only words she can manage at the moment because she needs to be sure she heard him right, needs him to clarify.

Castle has been watching her reverently since he first uttered the words, no judgement in his dark blue irises. A smile slowly stretches across his face, and before he even opens his mouth again, she knows that she heard him correctly and that he meant every word.

"And you…you're positive of that? After only knowing me for…"

"Kate…" Castle's use of her name cuts off her rambling and her heart races faster against the wall of her chest, because no one has ever told her those three words before, not like this, not with so much emotion behind them.

Her pulse thuds against the skin of her wrists and she wonders if Castle can feel it from where her hands are still gripping tightly to his arms. She swallows hard, forces more air into her lungs and gazes up in the eyes of the man who loves her. He loves her.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, and though Castle could take her words to mean that she doesn't have the same feelings for him, he doesn't. Instead, he lifts a hand to her face, his palm cradling her cheek, his thumb smoothing the slight tremble of her lips.

"What are you sorry for?" he asks softly, no trace of judgement in his tone and he really deserves some kind of award for the patience he has.

And in spite of the fact that she hates that she's making this so difficult, she feels her body instantly relaxing, a calmness washing through her.

"Because, I'm terrible at this, at expressing my feelings. I've never…never had someone fall in love with me like this, let alone tell me at a time when I needed to hear it most," she says, and she's shocked that she was able to get it all out so easily.

"Kate, I didn't tell you just because I thought you needed to hear it. I told you because I mean it, I love you. And it's okay if you can't say it back right now because you've given me enough to know that you're headed in the same direction. And I'm sorry for blurting it out without any warning, I just couldn't keep holding it in. After Meredith committed suicide, I thought I would never say those words again to another woman, I thought that my heart would never be able to love someone without fear of being broken again. But you're different, Kate. Things between us have always been different."

A bright smile lights up her face, and she uses her grip on his arms to pull him closer, pressing a soft kiss against his lips before easing back to look at him.

"I'm definitely headed in that direction, and I'm not saying that I'm not already there. I just…I don't take those words lightly and when I say them, I want you to know how much meaning and passion and feeling there is behind them, okay?"

Castle nods, his lips sliding over hers a little deeper this time, and though he doesn't actually say the words again, she knows he's using his body to tell her all over again.

When their lips part she keeps him close, needing to say a little more, needing him to understand something.

"It means so much to me that you trust me with your heart, and I promise you that whenever I want to pull away or feel the need to run, I'll stop. I'll stop and remember what we have and who you are and I'll come back to you. I'll fight for us, every time," she promises, her eyes searching his with the hope that he understands how serious she is.

His smile tells her everything she needs to know, his lips finding hers once more, sealing the promises between them.

* * *

"Your parents must have been amazing people. In fact, I know they had to be, because you're amazing, Kate. I wish I could have met them," Castle muses a little while later, his head pressed intimately against her chest, their breaths the only other sounds filling the room.

But the reaction he hopes for when those thoughts escape his lips is not at all the one he gets. Instead, Kate stiffens beneath him, her shuddered breath vibrating against his temple and he lifts his head to find her eyes cloudy and distant, knows she's trying to fight back her emotions just from the look on her face.

"Kate?" he questions, keeping his voice soft and soothing, trying to pull her back from the internal battle she's fighting. But when she fails to react he switches tactics, easing off of her and onto his side, slowly pulling her against him.

"Hey, Kate, talk to me. Don't shut me out, I'm right here, whatever is, I'm right here," he assures her, rubbing his hand over her back, trying to calm the pounding of her heart.

She's still quiet, choking back a sob against the wall of his chest, but she buries her head against him after that, clutching at his shirt and he knows that even the littlest steps forward are still progress.

He holds her tight, his strength and comfort washing through her, grounding her enough that she eventually pulls her head back and blinks up at him, her eyes red-rimmed where she allowed a few tears to fall.

"It's stupid, I should be able to handle it better by now," she murmurs, diverting her eyes away from his as the words fall out of her mouth.

"Hey," he says, lifting her chin so that her eyes meet his again, his fingers lingering against her soft skin. "Allowing yourself to feel your emotions isn't stupid. And I'm sure whatever it is that has you this upset is far from stupid, Kate. Talk me through it, let it out. No judgements here, you know that."

Kate sighs deeply, a mournful sound that comes from deep within her and demands to be felt, her shoulders slumping from the emotional wreckage that has wrapped itself around her heart.

"It started with…this morning's case," she chokes out, taking a deep breath to steady her voice, and herself, her fingers a vice grip as she wraps them around his bicep.

He doesn't mind. If that's what anchors her, he doesn't mind.

His silence seems to give her the courage she needs to continue, the storm behind her hazel eyes softening a little.

"It was a young girl…brutally murdered and left in an ally. Her throat…" she takes another deep breath, her voice cracking as she forces the last few words out. "It was slit, but that wasn't what killed her. She was stabbed in the chest before her throat was slit."

Castle's eyes widen, understanding dawning on his face, but he can tell from the look on Kate's face that although the murder was terrible and extremely familiar to her, it's not the only thing that has her so emotional.

"It took us several hours to even find anyone in her immediate family. Her mother was a drug addict, she OD'd several years ago. And her father didn't answer any of the contacts we found for him."

"Had something happened to him to?" Castle asks, just trying to help her along.

Kate shakes her head, more tears flooding her eyes, several of them spilling over and trailing down her cheeks and Castle can't help reaching his hand out, catching them with his thumb.

"Espo found him a few hours later, at a bar down on the corner," she says, reaching for both of his hands and gripping them tightly. "He's an alcoholic, Rick, has been since the mother died. And I could tell by looking at him that his liver was already shutting down."

She fights back the sob that crawls up her throat, dropping her head and Castle uses their tangled hands to pull her into his lap, holding her while she gathers herself again.

"It reminded me so much of my dad. Of how he looked in the end, his eyes resigned and void of life. I felt like I was living it all over again. I had to get up and leave the room. I couldn't even tell him that his little girl was gone, I couldn't find any words at all."

He's not even sure how she manages to get those words out because the second she does, she stops fighting back the sobs, breaking down completely against the wall of his chest. And for once, Castle is at a loss for words, completely unsure of what to say to her, of how to make this better, because this is her job. He can't protect her from dealing with these kinds of things.

So instead of words he just holds her, lets her pull her strength from him until she's all cried out, body limp and heavy against him.

"I'm sorry…" she murmurs a little while after her tears have subsided and Castle frowns because he has no idea why she's apologizing.

He eases her back, looking into her puffy, red eyes, trying to read her.

"Why are you sorry?" he asks, no judgement in his tone.

She dips her head again, and Castle fights the urge to ask her to stop doing that. It's something they'll have to work on.

"Hey, Kate. Listen to me. The way you're feeling right now, it's human. I don't know anyone who could go through what you've been through and deal with what you did today and come home and act fine. You have nothing to apologize for, because you never have to apologize for showing me your vulnerable side. Never."

He pauses after his words, letting them sink in, letting her come to him. And it works.

Kate lifts her head, offering him a small smile, her eyes much clearer now.

"You're amazing, you know that right?" she says, wrapping her arms loosely around his neck.

"You think so?" he asks, grinning as he pulls her closer and he could swear he sees the weight lifting off her shoulders.

"I don't think so, I know so. Seriously, no man has ever done anything like this for me. And that's probably largely due to the fact that I've never let anyone in long enough to try. But the point is, you don't stop trying. You push until I let you in, you don't let me run away."

Her honesty has his heart pounding against his chest and he knows that they're on their way to a beautiful future together.

"I'm not going anywhere," he promises, his palm warm against her cheek when he presses it there, his thumb brushing the soft skin under her eye.

"Good," she says, and she actually sounds like she believes it.

"Hey, Kate?" Castle asks a little while later, after they've eased back down in the bed, content to just be with each other.

"Yeah?" she replies, her breath warm against his chest.

"I love you."

He can feel the smile bloom across her face without even looking at her and his heart flips in his chest.

"I love you too, Rick. I do," she whispers, and she might not have meant for him to really hear her, but he does. And he knows that she'll say the words louder when she feels the time is right, but for now, it's enough.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

**Chapter 16**

Kate wakes to an empty bed, cool sheets meeting her hand when she runs it across the space where Castle should be. She turns her head, frowning as she's met with bright sunlight that forces her to shield her eyes almost immediately. Failing to hide the groan that accompanies her protesting joints as she pushes herself up off the mattress, she swings her legs over the side, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she stands and stretches.

She lifts her phone from the nightstand as she pads towards the bathroom, her slow stride turning to hurried and panicked when she realizes that it's past ten. She curses under her breath when her hips connects roughly with the edge of the sink, no doubt that a bruise will be forming there later.

"Rick!" she yells, rushing out of the bathroom a few minutes later, her toothbrush in her mouth and her hair piled up on top of her head.

Castle pads calmly into the bedroom, obviously having heard her yell but not in any hurry to find out why she's yelling.

"Good morning, beautiful," he sing-songs, bright cerulean eyes shining with love and adoration as he leans against the door frame.

"Did you turn my alarm off?" she blurts out, ignoring his morning greeting as she digs through her closet for something to wear.

"No, actually, you didn't set an alarm. You fell asleep rather quickly after we talked and you were so relaxed, so at peace. It's exactly what you needed," he answers, moving towards the closet, an amused smirk on his face as he watches her frantic morning routine.

"Why didn't you wake me up? I'm late for work, and late days make for a pain-in-the-ass rest of the day, Rick," she complains, pulling a white, button up dress shirt off of a hanger with so much haste that a few other shirts fall to the floor.

"Kate…"

She ignores him, mumbling something about how being late is one of her pet-peeves as she shoves hangers aside.

"Kate?" he tries again, a little louder this time, shaking his head at her stubbornness, though it's one of the things he loves about her.

Still no reaction.

"Kate, would you stop for a second, please?" he practically yells, finally grabbing her attention.

She spins around to face him, her eyes narrowed in anger and if he wasn't a bit worried that she's considering shooting him, he'd think it was adorable.

"What? What do you want, Castle? What part of I'm late did you not understand? I don't have time for this…" she bites, shoving past him, already stripping out of his t-shirt that she pulled on the night before.

Castle stalks towards her, gently grabbing her wrist to pause her movements, forcing her to face him once more.

"If you would listen to me for a second, you would know that you're not late," he says calmly, waiting for his words to sink in.

"What are you talking about? It's Thursday, I work every Thursday."

"I woke up to the sound of your phone this morning. You, by the way, slept right through it. It was a text from Ryan letting you know that you didn't have to rush in this morning. He said after the day you had yesterday, you deserved to sleep in."

Kate's eyes soften as she listens to Castle's recount of the text, her stiff shoulders slumping as she deflates, already feeling like a bitch for the way she talked to him.

Castle quickly adds more to the conversation, essentially letting her off the hook.

"I made you breakfast and there's coffee on the counter beside your plate. And if there's anything else you want, I'll be happy to go get it for you," he says, and the way he looks at her makes her heart flutter wildly against the wall of her chest.

She practically collapses into his arms, burying her face into the side of his neck, a deep sigh falling from her lips.

"I know…" he soothes, hearing her silent apology, feeling it in every soft movement she makes.

He makes no move to rush her towards the kitchen, keeping her pressed against him for as long as she will let him. He loves these moments with her, when she's open and vulnerable and allows him to see that side of her that no one else does.

When she finally does ease herself away from him, a shy smile adorns her otherwise forlorn face, and Castle can't help lifting his hand to her cheek, cradling it in his warm palm.

"Can't have you walking around looking like that all day. How about a real smile?" he requests, using his thumb to help widen her smile, mirroring the laugh that falls from her mouth.

"Much better," he acknowledges, pulling her back in for a tight hug before letting her go.

"I swear I don't deserve you," she murmurs, pulling his t-shirt back over her head before taking his hand in hers and leading him towards the kitchen.

"Nonsense, I'm pretty undeserving myself, but we don't need to have a competition based on all of the reasons why we don't deserve each other. I'd rather appreciate all of the reasons why being together makes us both better people," he states with so much sincerity that Kate has to squeeze her fingers tighter around his to keep her emotions in check. He makes her sappy, and she can't seem to find any complaints about it.

Only when Castle nudges her towards the counter does she realize that she's stopped, and she hides her grin with the dip of her head. He pulls out her seat, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek once she's settled in front of her plate.

"Enjoy your breakfast. I'm going to occupy your shower for a few minutes," he states, already walking away from her.

Kate nods, her mouth already full of the most amazing waffle she's ever had in her life.

* * *

Castle doesn't even act surprised when she presses her naked body against his back only minutes after he's stepped into the shower. He gently grips her wrists, guiding her in front of him so that he can back her against the wall, the hot spray hitting her body for only a moment before he blocks it with his own.

"Thought I told you to enjoy your breakfast," he interjects, his hands slowly drifting up her body, igniting a fire that can only be put out in one way.

"I did. And now, I'd like to enjoy you," she refutes, slipping her hands low around his waist, her palms gripping his ass as she hauls him completely against her, groaning when their hips meet.

"Are you saying that I could have slept longer and just given myself to you for breakfast?" he quips, his mouth immediately hot and hungry against the smooth skin of her jaw.

"Rick…" she warns, but he's already ahead of her, repositioning her hands around his neck so that he can lift her legs, rocking into her when she wraps them around his waist, locking her ankles to keep herself anchored.

"You can have me for breakfast anytime you want, Kate," he mumbles against her skin, lowering her just enough so that he can slip easily inside her.

"Yes!" she moans, throwing her head back against the shower wall, her arms tightening around his neck enough to let him know that he can move.

He wastes no time, pulling almost all the way out, immediately pushing right back into her, repeating the movement over and over until she's moaning incoherently, her body rocking roughly against his.

His lips worship every inch of her skin that he can reach, her whimpers of approval spurring him on and he increases the pace of his thrusts, their hips snapping together, pushing them both rapidly towards release.

"I could get used to this every morning," he growls, his lips turning up into a smirk that she feels against her skin.

And Kate finds herself grinning like an idiot, the idea of it more appealing than she would admit to him.

And then Castle adds to his statement.

"Could also get used to sex just for the sake of sex, you know, without either of us trying to forget something," he states, his words clear in spite of the force of his thrusts, and if Kate couldn't feel every inch of him inside of her, she'd think they were just lying in bed having a normal conversation.

The smile falls from her face, replaced by a regretful look that Castle catches before she can mask it. She tries to divert her eyes, turning her head away from him but he uses his body to anchor her against the wall of the shower, his thrusts never faltering as he lifts his hand to her jaw, gently turning her face back towards him.

He stops moving all together then, his cock twitching inside of her as his cerulean eyes, though they've darkened immensely, stare into her hazel ones, and she'd swear he could see her soul every time he does this.

"Hey, I didn't mean that the way it came out…" he clarifies, but he's not really sure there's a way out of this one.

"Really? What other meaning is there, Rick?" she counters, shaking her head before diverting her eyes again.

"Kate, don't do this please...it came out wrong. I didn't mean anything by it, I was just caught up in the moment."

"Is that like when someone's drunk and they say things they wouldn't normally say? You know, Rick, that's usually when people are the most honest," she quips, leveling him with a heated gaze.

Normally, fighting with her would completely kill the mood, but instead, the temperature only seems to increase around them, and he can't stop himself from rocking his hips into hers, hard.

"You are completely infuriating sometimes, you know that?" he growls, dropping his hand from her jaw, moving it between them, finding her clit and pressing against it.

She gasps, narrowing her eyes, but he doesn't back off, doesn't stop.

"Says the man who just ruined good sex with his logic," she says, quirking her eyebrow.

"In case those words I said last night seem to have slipped from your memory, let me remind you. I love you, Kate. Every part of you, and that includes your moods as well. What I meant by what I said is nothing to dwell on. When I first met you, sex was merely a way to help you forget. What we have now is so much more than that. And that is all I meant by it."

The seriousness of his tone, the deep timber of his voice, and the look he gives her all combine to soften her mood, the sudden flare of regret and anger receding, until all she can see is how much he really does love her.

"I know, I'm sorry," she whispers, blowing out a breath, wrapping her arms a little tighter around his neck, forcing the hand that he still has between her legs to shift a bit, eliciting another gasp from her.

"I'm sorry too," he says softly, leaning in to kiss away the pout that still lingers on her lips.

She starts to say something else but Castle shakes his head, using his lips to silence her completely before pulling away.

"We're both still new at this. It's okay, Kate," he reassures her, and the second she nods, he begins to wipe all thoughts of anything but him from her mind again.

She breaks apart without any warning, her mouth hanging open in a silent scream, her body trembling against his as he pumps into her a few more times before he follows her over the edge.

Castle lowers her legs to the floor of the shower, but drops his head against her shoulder, keeping his arms around her as he holds them both up while they catch their breath. He doesn't even realize that his eyes have fluttered closed until the feeling of her lips on his skin pulls him back to full consciousness.

He hums his approval, lifting his palm to the back of her head to encourage her to continue, but she gives his waist an apologetic squeeze before gently pushing him back, a soft smile on her face when her eyes connect with his.

"As much as I would love to continue this, I have to go to work," she says, and her tone gives her away, relaying how much she'd rather spend the day with him.

Castle pulls her back to him for one final kiss, his tongue dancing along her bottom lip before he lets her go.

"Hey, Kate?" he questions, washing himself off while she dries her hair, the domestic feeling of it all putting a wide smile on his face.

"Yeah?" she answers, clicking the dryer off so that she can hear his request.

"Would you uh…I mean it would make more sense…if I…"

"Rick?" she interrupts his stuttered sentence, pulling back the shower curtain so that she can see his face just as he shuts off the water. She hands him a towel, quirking an eyebrow at him.

"Why are you suddenly so nervous?" she questions, a shadow of uneasiness masking her face.

Castle shrugs, drying his hair off before wrapping the towel around his body.

"Rick…" she warns, crossing her arms over her chest, and he can tell she's getting impatient by his sudden lack of words.

He sighs, deciding to just spit the words out. "I was just thinking that it would be kind of pointless for me to go home for the day when you and I both know that I'll be coming back tonight."

Kate blows out the breath she must have been holding, shaking her head at him as her lips lifting into a smile. "That's what you're so nervous about asking me? If you can stay here while I'm at work?" she says softly, reaching her hand out to his arm, her fingers curling around his muscular bicep.

He nods, another shrug of his shoulders causing Kate to laugh.

"Of course you can stay here, Rick. Besides, it'll be nice coming home to you already here," she says, leaning in to kiss his cheek before stepping away from him and picking up her hair dryer again.

Castle stands there with a towel wrapped around his body and a stupid grin on his face until Kate throws him a look over her shoulder.

"Staring is creepy…" she yells over the sound of the dryer and Castle laughs, brushing his hand over the curve of her ass as he walks past her out of the bathroom.

She yelps at the action, mumbling a curse that's completely muffled by the dryer, though his imagination is vivid enough to guess the words she chose.

* * *

She finds him casually leaning against the wall near her front door a little while later, dressed in a fresh t-shirt and a pair of jeans that fit him so perfectly, she has to force herself to look away, biting her lip against the naughty thoughts that immediately take over her head.

"See something you like, detective?" he teases, the husky tone of his voice causing a visible shudder to ripple through her body and she does little to hide it as he snags her hand, pulls her right up against him in one swift move, dropping his hand to her hip to keep her close.

"Think you're pretty smooth don't you?" she quips, lightly scraping her teeth along his jaw, nipping at the sensitive skin before swirling her tongue over it, smirking as his fingers press harder into the skin on her hips.

"This is going to end a lot differently than you have planned, including you being late for work for real this time, if you keep that up," he husks, the deep timber of his voice telling her just how much he reacts to her touch.

She shakes her head, pressing up on her tiptoes to brush her lips over his. "Hold that thought until tonight, and I promise I'll make it worth your while," she purrs, kissing him again just because.

He passes over the travel mug of coffee that he's been cradling in his other hand, smiling brightly as her eyes light up when the warmth of the mug presses against her palm.

"I'll see you soon," she murmurs, winking at him as she pulls the door open.

"Never soon enough," he replies softly, following her out the door so that he can watch her disappear down the hallway.

She's almost to the elevator when she turns back, the look on her face something that he's rarely witnessed since he first met her, but he recognizes it instantly.

"I love you, Rick," she says with so much clarity, so much assurance that it nearly knocks him off his feet, has him stumbling down the hall towards her before he can stop himself.

His arms come around her fiercely, crushing her against his chest with a force that comes only from a new kind of all-consuming love.

"Rick?" she questions when after several minutes his hold on her doesn't ease.

"Sorry," he murmurs, gently releasing her from his hold, blowing out a deep breath as he reaches out to cup her jaw. "You just completely caught me off guard with that and hearing you say it, the way that you said it, it means everything to me, Kate."

"Well then, I'll be sure to keep saying it," she assures him, threading her fingers through the ones he has pressed against her jaw.

"You're extraordinary, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life making sure you know that," he informs her, releasing her hand so that she can step into the elevator.

She doesn't say anything back, but the grin on her face remains until the doors slide closed and Castle stands there, completely and utterly in love with most remarkable woman he's ever known.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: This is the final chapter. The epilogue will be up soon. If you're still here, thanks for taking this journey with me. Thanks for understanding the need to tell your own story through characters that you love. I'm debating on posting a season 8 one shot as my 50th and final story to take the place of Renovatio (which I deleted). We'll see. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, but my love for this show will never waiver.**

* * *

**Chapter 17**

Two hours later, Castle finds himself memorized as he stands in front of a very impressive, make-shift murder board that's taped to the window in the middle of Kate's apartment. He didn't mean to stumble upon it, was trying his best not to nose through her things, but the boredom started to get the best of him and before he knew it, cleaning turned into moving things and moving things led to pulling the shutters on the window open and well, here he is.

It's both fascinating and heartbreaking, looking at all the progress she's made, at all the hard work she's put into finding her mother's murder and getting justice for not one, but both of her parents. But when the progress stops, when the leads she thought she'd found turned up empty, he can sense it, can read the disappointment in the way she wrote things on the board.

He loses himself in the vast information, the sudden desire to help her solve this, to help her get the peace that she so desperately needs consuming him like a rapidly burning wildfire. He'll do whatever he can, pull whatever resources he has to help her.

* * *

It's late when she finally walks through the door, weariness evident in her body, though her eyes light up the second she sees him and the dinner he's made for them on the counter behind him.

"Hey, Castle," she murmurs, arms sliding around his neck as he steps up to her, his hands circling her waist with practiced ease as he pulls her close, pressing a sweet kiss to her lips.

"You're late, I was getting worried," he murmurs into her mouth, kissing her again before he eases back to let her answer.

"I know, I should've called, I'm sorry," she apologizes, affectionately brushing her thumb over the soft skin on the back of his neck.

"No need to apologize, I'm just glad you're home now," he assures her, releasing his hold on her in favor of slipping one arm around her waist, guiding her to the table so that he can bring their food over.

He's just got her seated and comfortable, in the process of carrying over the large dish of chicken alfredo, when she quickly shoves away from the table, and he has to follow her gaze to figure out what's happening.

He spent so much time looking at the murder board that he lost track of time, and in his haste to cook her dinner, he forgot to close the shutters. Not that he would have hidden the fact that he saw it from her, but this is not the way he wanted to bring up the conversation.

"Kate," he says softly, inching towards her after setting the hot plate of food down, trying to figure out if her lack of words so far is a good or bad thing.

She whirls around so fast that he instinctively takes a step back, her eyes wide and blazing, and he knows instantly, it's going to be bad.

"What do you think you're doing?" she spits out, and if he didn't know any better, he'd swear there were flames accompanying the words.

"Who the hell gave you the right to go through my things?" she continues, and he closes his mouth on whatever he was about to say, letting her finish.

"You had no right, none. When I left you here this morning…"

But that does it for him, because before he can stop himself, he cuts her off, anger rolling through him before he can get a hold on it, his shoulders tensing as he closes some of the distance between them, watching her eyes widen.

"When you left me here this morning, I thought you trusted me, Kate. I thought a big part of us being in this relationship together was trust. You can't honestly tell me that you would have walked out that door this morning and left me here in your apartment, knowing that board was there, knowing that all of your things were here, if you didn't trust me."

He takes a deep breath, pressing his eyes shut tightly to calm himself before that fierce blue is on her again, piercing straight through her.

"I shouldn't have been snooping through your stuff, I'll admit that, but I was honestly just cleaning up when I stumbled upon that board. It's not like I set out to pilfer through everything you own the second you left this morning. We haven't been doing this for that long, but I'd like to hope that you know me better than that, Kate."

His shoulders slump then, disappointment and emotion weighing heavy as he turns his back to her, something he hates to do when fighting with anyone, but he doesn't want to say something he's going to regret.

"I wanted to make you a good dinner, help you relax, and then, if you seemed up to it, I was going to bring it up, offer you my help…" he murmurs, words much softer this time, the anger gone, replaced by hurt. If she doesn't trust him, this thing between them is never going to work.

"Rick…" she soothes, and it's like a shock to his system, the gentleness in her voice as she comes up behind him, sliding a tentative hand over his arm.

He doesn't turn to her, doesn't move at all, and he knows that it hurts her just as much as it does him, they're both too damaged not to know how this kind of fight burns against the battered walls of a worn heart.

"I shouldn't have went off like that, I'm sorry. You deserve better than that, and you're right, if I didn't trust you, I wouldn't have left you here this morning, nor would I be in a relationship with you."

She pauses, letting her apology sink in, expecting him to turn her after that, but when he doesn't, he hears the strangled sob just as much as he feels it ripple through her slender frame.

"Please look at me," she chokes out, fingers squeezing around his arm and he can't stand to see her like that, even if she was way out of line just now.

He gently pries her fingers away from his arm, sliding his own through hers as he turns to face her, reaching out to brush a tear off of her cheek.

She takes a shuddered breath when his fingers brush her skin, shaking her head as another wave of tears fall.

"I've never shown anyone that board before, not one person, mainly due to the fact that I've had no one to show it to. I would have shown you eventually, but seeing it open when I got here, it just, it caught me off guard," she clarifies, gently squeezing his fingers.

"I…I haven't looked at it for a while, because…I nearly lost myself in it the last time. I became obsessed, and it wasn't healthy. I don't want to do that again," she admits, biting her bottom lip until the metallic taste of blood spreads across her tongue.

She's not surprised when his thumb brushes over the abused lip, rescuing it from her teeth as he uses his grip on her hand to pull her closer.

"Kate, I'm not going to let you lose yourself. I'm here for you, no matter what, for whatever you need. And if you want to dive back into your mother's case, then I'll be here to pull you back if you start to drown in it. I want to help you, I want that peace for you. But, if you decide that you don't want to go down that road again, then I'll still be right here beside you, because I love you, and I'm not going anywhere," he assures her, wrapping both arms around her waist, holding her a little tighter than usual.

She melts against his chest, burying her face against his neck and though it's barely above a whisper, he hears the 'I love you' she presses against his skin and the silent promise to do this with him or not at all.

"Can we eat dinner now, before it gets ice cold?" he asks a minute later, brushing his lips over her temple before easing her back.

"Yeah, let's eat," she murmurs, following him over to the table.

And then he gets the dinner that he wanted for her, the relaxing evening, and the warmth of her body against his when she falls fast asleep the minute they climb into bed.

* * *

It's later in the week when he finally gets the courage to tell her about the book, to show her the words that she's inspired, and though he knows it's a touchy subject, that her life has been a whirlwind laced with hurt, he hopes that she sees his reasons for wanting to tell her story.

She knows he wants to talk to her, something he thought would make approaching the subject easier rather than blind siding her with it. But in spite of it, he's still nervous for her reaction, and it's written all over his face when he opens the door to let her in.

"Hey," she greets, pressing a sweet kiss to his cheek as he takes her coat, hanging it in the closet before reaching for her hand.

"Hey," he mirrors her greeting, offering her what he hopes is a genuine looking smile, even as his heart flip-flops in his chest.

When he's a little too quiet for her liking, she gently nudges his hip with her elbow, ducking her head to catch his downward gaze.

"You okay? You seem…nervous."

"Yeah, I'm good. Can we?" he asks, motioning towards his office, just wanting to get it out there before his heart pounds out of his chest, because he knows he can't fool her for long.

She nods, though he doesn't miss the slight quirk of her brow as she walks with him to his office, easing onto the edge of the couch while he closes the door.

He picks up the stack of papers on his desk, cradling them again his chest as he props himself on the edge of it, watching her eye the papers with interest.

"Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?" she asks, attempting to get the ball rolling on whatever has him so nervous all of a sudden.

"Uh, yeah," he replies, nodding as he glances down at the papers.

"Well, can I see them then?" she asks, reaching out for the papers.

And he had fully intended on telling her about it first, but maybe it will be easier if she just reads a little of it before they discuss it, so he hands over the papers, hands folded nervously in front of him while he watches her read over the title.

Her eyes widen and then narrow as she skims the first few pages, and he can tell the exact moment that she's read enough to need the conversation he's waiting to have with her.

"You…you're writing a book about me? About my life?" she asks, brows furrowing as she glances up at him.

"Yeah. I…" he starts, but she quickly cuts him off.

"Did you have this planned when you first met me? Were you just looking for a muse when you walked passed my crime scene singing that song you claimed was off your daughter's iPod?"

His brow furrows at the utter ridiculousness of her accusation, vehemently shaking his head.

"What? Kate, no. That's not…I wasn't looking for a muse at all when I met you. In fact, I'd practically given up on writing," he admits, shrugging his shoulders. "This story was inspired by you, but that's all there is to it. When I fell in love with you, you became an inspiration to me."

"So, you're basing a character off of me, and you gave her a stripper name?" she questions, quirking a brow at him, no signs of amusement on her face.

"Nikki Heat isn't a stripper name, and she's not even remotely related to one. It's…I thought it was catchy…" he stutters out, thinking that maybe this entire thing was a bad idea, because if it's going to push them apart, he won't do it.

"And you really think that I won't get made fun of when people realize that she's based off of me?" she asks, easing the draft of pages off of her lap in favor of pacing a few steps away from the couch.

"Kate…if you don't want me to do this…if this is a deal breaker for you…"

She holds up a hand to cut him off, arms crossing over her chest protectively as she bites at her bottom lip.

"I need to know something before I answer that question," she tells him, taking a deep breath when he nods for her to ask whatever it is she needs to.

"Is her back story the same as mine?" she asks, tightening her arms over her chest.

"Kate…"

"Rick, tell me the truth. Is everything that I've told you, everything that I've been through…is it written in those pages for the whole world to read?" she demands to know, lip trembling with the emotion that's getting the best of her at the thought of him caring more about a good story than the things that have battered and bruised her tender heart.

He takes a step closer to her, ignoring the shake of her head and the warning look she gives him, crowding her back against the door as his hands reach out for hers, keeping her from pulling away.

"I'm not going to tell you that I didn't consider it. And it's not because I don't have respect for everything you've been through, Kate. I am constantly amazed by everything you've overcome, by the depths of your heart even now, and sharing that with anyone else isn't something I would do without asking you first. I promise you that. I feel honored that you let me into that part of your life. But…I'm also not going to lie to you. I think that this character deserves to be true to you, I think that your story needs to be told."

He squeezes her hands when she only stares at him, eyes slightly glassy and breath caught in her lungs.

"If you tell me no, I'll shred that draft and delete it from my computer and we'll never talk about this again. Because you are my first concern, Kate."

She blows out the breath she's been holding, shaking her head again as she uses their joined hands to pull his arms around her waist, sliding her arms around his neck as she looks up at him.

"What I read was good…more than good, actually. And if you believe in this, if I inspire you enough to want to write again, then there's no way that I'm going to tell you that you can't pursue this, Rick. You've been slowly healing pieces of my heart since you walked into my life and if this is the least I can do…"

He silences the rest of her words with the press of his lips, fingers digging into the soft skin at her hips even as he pulls away.

"You've done more for me than I could've ever asked for, Kate. Just being with you is enough. But if you're okay with this, I promise to do your character justice, and you'll be a part of this journey every step of the way."

"Well, when you put it that way, it's kind of hard to say no," she teases, pressing another gentle kiss to his lips. "But, I'm still not a fan of the name…" she adds, nipping at the pouting bottom lip he presents her with.

"It'll grow on you," he quips, cutting off any other argument she may have with the insistent press of his lips.

He can't wipe the stupidly, happy grin off of his face as he pulls her over to the corner of the room a few minutes later, pouring them both a drink and holding his up to hers in a toast.

"To melodies, because if not for music, I may have never found you," he says, clinking his glass with hers before they both take a sip.

And then it's her turn to raise her glass to his, a contemplative smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "To murders, because without them, my life would be completely different, and though it's been hard, it was worth it to get to you," she says happily, squeezing his hand when her words draw him closer to her, their fingers tangling in an anchoring hold.

The amber liquid burns going down, but it's a welcome reminder that celebrations don't often come easily, they take perseverance and fighting against the burn when you want to give up.

There's just enough liquid left in their glasses for one more toast, and it only takes one sweeping glance at the woman he loves for the words to flood Castle's tongue, spilling out of him like a mantra that he can't keep inside.

"And to mysteries, because you, Katherine Beckett, are a mystery that I want to spend the rest of my life solving, if you'll have me that is."

Their glasses clink loudly together as they land heavily on the table beside them, the last of the liquid long forgotten in the bottom of each one, their joined lips a far better toast than any amount of alcohol, because they were once two lost souls, broken and bruised, but in each other, they found the ultimate healing, love.


	18. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I do not own the show or the characters.**

* * *

**Epilogue**

The dimmed, slightly orange lighting casts shadows across the crowded bar. It's loud and another word that Kate can't quite get to roll off of her tongue, though it could be entirely due to the buzz of alcohol racing through her veins. It could also be that the music, if that's what you want to call it, isn't from a playlist of the most current artists, no, it's live. But not the kind of live where you get all hyped because the artist is rocking the entire building with the awesome jams. It's the kind of live where you might have to hide the cringe on your face against the shoulder of your ruggedly handsome boyfriend.

And she would do just that, if it wasn't for the fact that, oh yeah, he's currently up on the stage, karaoke-ing his heart out with not a care in the world. And he's not bad at singing, actually, he has a very nice voice, but right now, he's foregoing the in-tune notes in favor of putting on a good show, or a funny one.

She catches his eyes then, a smirk turning the corners of her lips up as she shakes her head, shooting him a warning glare when he motions for her to join him on the stage.

_In your dreams, Castle. _

Speaking of dreams, that's exactly what her life has seemed like since she met Richard Castle. And it's both terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.

Things have been good, great even, so much happiness that she's certain her healed heart will explode with it eventually.

She loves him more every day, loves the life that they have together. And some might call her crazy for feeling this way after only a year of knowing him, but she doesn't care, because he's saved her in all of the best ways, much like she's done for him.

* * *

Their evening had started at the "Nikki Heat" book launch party. Something that she's so incredibly proud of him for, even if the name of her alter-ego still makes her cringe. Because he's telling her story, now their story, and he's doing it in the most beautiful way she ever could've imagined.

She's still dressed in the tight, barely covering, blue dress that had made his eyes nearly bug out of his head when she'd stepped out of the bathroom, caught him standing in the shadows of the bedroom looking rather nostalgic. She'd sauntered over to him, slipped her arms around his neck and purred promises of things they'd do when the evening was over.

And then, she'd walked arm in arm with him, his support, and his muse, let him flaunt her in front of all of the people he feels the need to impress, when in reality, he's more than he'll ever need to be. He'd been more proud of having her beside him than the success of the book itself, which has already landed him a deal for at least two more in the series, though if she has anything to do with it, Nikki Heat will be around a long time.

And once the crowd of excited friends and family, and even more excited fans had cleared away, she'd grabbed his hand, tangled their fingers and led him here, to the karaoke bar she told him about on the day she met him. And he's been radiating the sheer happiness he feels inside ever since.

* * *

She smirks when she feels him step up behind her, the warmth of his broad frame spreading over her body as he brackets her small waist with his palms, pulls her back against him and nuzzles his nose against her neck.

"You're driving me crazy, you know?" he murmurs against her skin, smirking at the shiver it elicits from her.

She slides her hands over his, hums her reply as if she has no idea what he's talking about.

"You look so damn good in that dress, but the idea of peeling it off of your body is even more appealing right now," he husks, followed by a little growl that makes her legs tremble.

She spins in his arms so fast that he nearly topples backwards, gripping his forearms to steady him and pull him back against her before sliding her arms around his neck.

"Getting arrested for indecent exposure which I'll then have to explain to my captain, is not on my list of plans for the evening. But, I'll tell you what. I'll get on that stage and sing karaoke with you one time, if you can keep your hands to yourself until we get home, and then, all bets are off and you can have your wicked way with me."

He's still stuck on the fact that she just agreed to sing karaoke with him, she can tell by the way he's looking at her, like she just told him something he's been waiting his whole life to hear.

"Rick?" she questions, smirking as she slides her fingers into his hair.

He swallows, hard, and leans down to capture her lips in a sweet kiss, gently nipping at the tender skin at the corner of her mouth before pulling away.

"'Hit Me Baby One More Time?'" he asks hopefully, smirking as an adorable frown forms at the edges of her lips.

"Kate…" he whines, sticking his bottom lip out in a pout that she can't resist, and if anyone at the precinct ever heard or found out about this, she'd never live it down, but she loves him, and his happiness is all that matters to her.

Her only answer is to pull him onto the stage with her, ignoring everyone around them in favor of fulfilling his request, because the look on his face when she belts out the first few notes, is enough to have her grinning the rest of the night.

* * *

_Writing for this fandom had it's share of ups and downs. Sadly, the downs outweighed the ups and I no longer enjoy this like I used to. So this is where I end my writing journey. Thanks to all who supported me with kind words and encouragement. You won't be forgotten. _

_xoxo,_

_-Meg_


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